


Without Saying, "I Love You"

by Lolistar92



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Following Your Dreams, M/M, adorable boyfriends, kaichen are adorable, new dreams, no homophobia because its better that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 14:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5052652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lolistar92/pseuds/Lolistar92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not what he had hoped for, Jongdae sighs wistfully. But then Jongin comes up next to him, squeezing his hand, smiling that golden smile. They turn back to look at X.O., at what they had helped create. He squeezes Jongin's hand back thinking, but it's still perfect.</p><p> Semi AU Where Jongdae and Jongin never got to debut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without Saying, "I Love You"

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by the lovely exo_everlasting over on LJ whom without I could not have reached this point without! Thank you so much!
> 
> Written for chenpionships 2015

“I’m sorry, but I just do not know what do with you.”

Jongdae doesn’t know how to feel about that, anxiety bubbling in him with rising hope.

It wasn’t a no.

There’s a pause. Then, “Sorry, but I don’t think you’ll make the cut this time around,” the assistant says sighing and shaking his head almost forlornly.

He doesn’t sound apologetic at all, Jongdae thinks.

Jongdae’s world shakes, stomach dropping. The rejection was almost like a physical blow as white noise fills his ears like the aftermath of a bomb destructing inside of him. He had hoped.

He manages to turn out a smile, and is about to turn around and leave when the woman behind the desk speaks up for the first time.

“You can leave. You probably won’t debut in the future, you’re already too old,” it stings deep, and anger rises up at the gall of being dismissed so easily, but the woman continues, “but we can’t deny you have talent. I can offer you a position as an assistant to our vocal coach that is in charge of our trainees. Depending on how you do, we might hire you full time later on.”

Jongdae looks at the wall above her shoulder. There are posters of BoA, TVXQ, Super Junior and SNSD littered across the wall.

It wasn’t what he expected. What he had hoped for.

But at least he still got to sing.

So he forces a bright smile and bows his thanks, feeling like a part of him has been forcibly cut off.

_

It isn’t all dark moods and crushed dreams. Jongdae makes friends easily, and trainees turned idols are no different.

Joonmyeon is his first friend at the company. They bond over late night vocal practices because Joonmyeon is eager to please, and Jongdae is a little less lonely when music is involved.

Some nights, Jongdae just stops and stares, in awe over Joonmyeon when he picks up a song that is beyond his recommended vocal range, but practices until he gets it right.

Sometimes when Joonmyeon’s back is turned, Jongdae will intensely gaze at the column of his spine that is almost always visible through the back of his T-shirt. He’ll clench his own hands in his shorts, eyes almost watering when he forgets to blink, and wonder if he can wish hard enough, if he could pull the ambition and drive that lays so compact under the most veteran trainee’s skin.

Joonmyeon will sing a high note that sounds perfectly fine, but Jongdae will repeat it again in his voice, a note that sounds better with Jongdae’s voice, just so he can have a small stab at recognition. He’ll give Joonmyeon some petty advice, words he is imitating from his coach of three weeks, and Joonmyeon will nod gratefully, and there comes a sinking feeling in Jongdae’s gut, but it’ll pass by because if no one knows how much Jongdae aches for this, what could it really hurt if he shows off?

He stops eventually on his own accord because the charm that Joonmyeon has is that he sweeps you into his dreams like you were along for the ride the whole time.

__

Life moves on.

Jongdae has only really been here for a few weeks, but the walls of SMEnt still resound in a ghostlike way. There is the scent of youth and hard work, almost like one found in a school, but driven with a determination Jongdae can’t see in most adults. However, it’s missing something. It isn’t life like, void of enjoyment found in youth, and Jongdae finds himself struggling to find his place behind these walls. He is stuck between those with a chance at a one in a million type of future and those that are the force behind the odds.

Aside from a quick glimpse of Shindong sunbaenim exiting the bathroom, Jongdae has yet to see any of the true works of success SMEnt has to offer. It lulls him into a limbo where he is stuck with seeing only the grueling effects of effort and hope, but no one to show for it.

Which is why Jongdae has a life altering epiphany when U-Know Yunho suddenly walks in on him in the recording studio.

Jongdae is just singing to himself, a dry back track of an American song playing in the back ground. It’s a bad habit of his, hiding away at the end of the day to have an hour or two for himself behind the wall of glass. Seunghoon, the vocal coach he is shadowing, only allows it because Jongdae has years of vocal practice to make up for.

Nonetheless, it’s a reprieve Jongdae takes gratefully. On days like today, days where he rolled out of bed and looked at his wardrobe and wondered if it was supposed to be jeans or slacks, walked into the building where no one gave him a second glance, and spent over four hours singing do-rei-me until Seunghoon dismissed him with a half-hearted smile, that Jongdae needs something to anchor him.

He’s in a zone, singing without register because it’s freer like this. His eyes are closed, headphones pulled up so that when he opens his eyes and sees one of the men he’s idolized from behind a screen for years in front of him, it’s enough to have his voice crack and break off, jaw dropping in awe. He scrambles to pull down his headphones before he realizes what he is doing and bowing like an idiot as Jung Yunho just laughs.

He walks over to the sound booth, fingers pointing but not pressing at a lit up blue button, the trigger for the two way mic.

Jongdae feels his heart drop in horror and embarrassment when he realizes that he had just been singing for whomever would walk by the room to hear.

“A new trainee, kid?” He asks kindly. Jongdae is struck mute, and has no idea how to respond, but evidently there is still some higher function in his brain, because he manages to shake his head in a ‘no’.

Yunho frowns and Jongdae tries not to let his heart drop at the fact that he thinks he just lost respect in this man’s eyes.

“Why not? You’ve got a beautiful voice.”

Jongdae knows he’s not trying to be deliberately cruel, but the question of ‘why’ has been the subject keeping him up these past few weeks as well. The not-quite nightmares that haunt him in his sleep, when he sees younger boys and girls in the training room, dance practice, vocal room.

“I – um,” Jongdae stumbles, breaking out into a nervous giggle, “I think I was too old?” He tries to say it lightly as if to brush it off, so he hurries on, “But they said I had enough talent, so they’re trying to make me a vocal coach,” he offers hesitantly, wanting to keep the conversation going.

They both stand awkwardly, and it occurs to Jongdae that Yunho must be here for a reason.

“Oh! Um, did I take your room?” He asks in a panic because even if Jung Yunho was a regular human being logically, he was practically a god to Jongdae who grew up with TVXQ on his TV.

He scrambles to untangle himself from the wires of the headphones, and quickly exits the booth, berating himself for not doing so earlier. As soon as he’s out the door he gives another bow, hand folding nervously in front of his stomach.

Yunho breaks out of his own stupor then with a surprised look as he quickly shakes his head with a laugh, “No no, not at all, I was just passing by trying to find Changminnie when I heard singing and dropped in.”

Jongdae swallows nervously, unsure what to do with himself now, not wanting the conversation to fall into a dead silence.

Before he can try and work up the courage to ask for an autograph, because the stupid part of his brain is still blinded even if he can see a day old stubble on Yunho’s chin, the older man moves in.

Jongdae doesn’t know if he is squeaking or not when Yunho suddenly places a hand on his head and ruffles his hair.

“What’s your name, kid?” Yunho asks, and Jongdae is almost too dazed to respond.

“K-Kim Jongdae, sunbaenim,” Jongdae squeaks out.

Yunho laughs again, and Jongdae wonders if he is ever not going to be star struck.

“Jongdae, huh?” Yunho looks at Jongdae’s face intensely, and Jongdae wonders what he could possibly be seeing. But he’s too afraid to ask – or, rather, he’s too afraid of the disappointing answer.

“This may not have been what you wanted,” Yunho’s voice suddenly turns serious, and it’s a cold wash of rain over his senses, making him hyper-focused on what his senior is saying.

Yunho looks up and behind Jongdae, and Jongdae can feel a certain rock in his heart moving, “Trust me I have seen a lot in these walls.”

The hand moves from his head into a comforting position on his shoulder. “It may not be what you wanted, but at least you still get to do what you love, some don’t even get that much. Cherish it, okay, Jongdae? Make it your new dream.”

Jongdae is speechless, not sure what he is going to do with this advice. However, he hears the sincerity in Yunho’s words, and it makes him ache.

“I just want to sing,” Jongdae answers automatically, and his hand twitches in a reaction to want to slam a palm to his mouth and take those words back.

Where had that come from?

Yunho smiles, and Jongdae is entranced with how kind it looks.

“Trust me when I say that in your position you’ll probably be closest to the soul of music than trainees or idols can ever be.”

Is it just Jongdae, or does Yunho sound a bit bitter?

Before Jongdae can question it, Yunho gives him one last smile and a quick pat on his shoulder before moving away from Jongdae’s personal space all together.

“Funny, I just gave Jongin a talk like this a few days ago,” Yunho says musingly, heading back towards the door.

Jongdae is too startled by the interaction to really understand what’s going on anymore, but he manages to chase after Yunho’s footsteps and stop in front of him to bow deeply.

“Thank you, sunbaenim, I appreciate your words,” and Jongdae really does.

He doesn’t look up but he knows Yunho is smiling, and there is a fleeting touch on Jongdae’s head.

“Call me hyung, Jongdae, and I hope to see you around.”

Yunho leaves, and Jongdae is left with a lighter feeling, like the boulder in his heart has just shrunk.

__  
It’s funny, how no matter how many times he replays the conversation with Yunho in his head, he still doesn’t quite place the name ‘Jongin’ until Seunghoon offhandedly mentions it when they pass by the dance wing, not two days after Jongdae’s fateful meeting. Jongdae is taking a break from formal note reading lessons, and takes a walk around the company that still inspires hope in him.

“Ah, Jongin’s at it again,” Seunghoon says, and Jongdae can’t place why Seunghoon’s voice seems off. In the time he’s been with the senior coach, he’s been nothing but kind and friendly, but this is the closest Seunghoon has ever come to sounding disapproving, outside the practice room.

It piques his curiosity, and he shuffles to where the music is loudest, ignoring Seunghoon’s ‘yah’ of protest. He peeks into the dance room feeling the boom of the bass shake through him, knowing that the company has no scheduled practices for any trainees at this time.

It leaves him breathless.

There he sees a gorgeous silhouette, power in every muscle, filling the entirety of the space the room has to offer with his movements. The mirrors amplify him until it seems like the room is expanding for him.

The boy is beautiful.

“A back injury,” Seunghoon sighs pityingly, coming up behind him. “Kim Jongin, probably the most wasted talent SM has had.”

He sounds out the name, Kim Jongin, easily in his mouth. It doesn’t fit the figure carrying music through his every move. A vessel for music the same way sometimes Jongdae would like to imagine his voice box was.

Jongdae can feel it, what Seunghoon says, that if there is any wistful regret the company walls carry in them, it would be the sweat, tears and blood Jongin leaves behind.

“He won’t be able to make the cut for the upcoming group,” Seunghoon leans against the door, eyes trailing off, uninterested, to look at the vending machine instead. “Management has already told him he would only be a liability with how often the injury would come back. I think they’re just waiting for him to turn legal so they can hook him up with a job here.”

Jongdae can’t take his eyes off of the figure, watching Jongin pump his arm out and pop it, only for his step to falter a second later. He can’t really see the face of the boy from here but he can tell from his body language that he must be in pain.

“Do they do this often? Take broken dreams and use them to fuel others?” Jongdae replies bitterly.

Seunghoon only laughs.

“SM is a family, kid. I know you can’t see it right now, but a lot of the kids that stay here, grow up here. The execs probably see these trainees more than they see their own kids. Jongin, he’s been here like four years? Five, maybe?” he shakes his head. “They’re not going to just pat his head and push him out of the way after all that. We,” Jongdae notices how Seunghoon includes himself as part of the company, “are more loyal than that, believe it or not.”

Jongdae just shrugs. Who is he to speak when he’s barely been here three months?

The music loops again, and Jongdae watches as Jongin’s entire posture changes again as he throws himself back into the choreography.

“How many more years until he’s legal?”

Seunghoon looks down at his watch and grabs Jongdae’s shoulder to push him off the wall. Jongdae reluctantly looks away, and they walk back the way they came.

“I think end of this year. If all goes according to plan, you and he might be seeing a lot more of each other.”

Jongdae pauses, wondering what the edgy feeling in his stomach was about, but he eventually thinks past it.

“Whatever, I’m hungry, hyung!” he calls instead.

Seunghoon only rolls his eyes and throws Jongdae back into the training room. “Eat later. One of the perks of not being a trainee – eat as much junk as you want.”

Jongdae smiles at Seunghoon and bats his eyelashes exaggeratedly, and with a groan the older gives in and calls for an order of fried chicken.

As he eats, throat nearly numb after an hour of practicing a high C note, he wonders if he should go down the hall and offer Jongin some food.

He decides against it, only because Seunghoon pops open the tab of some beer and Jongdae decides he wants to learn how to get drunk, first.

_

“Oh shit, I’m sorry!”

Jongdae groans, head pounding. He realizes what just barreled into him, and while the boy is small, Jongdae is smaller, and they’ve just crashed into a wall with Jongdae taking the brunt of it.

Jongdae groans, “Fuc- fudge, that hurt.”

He recognizes the boy, the one Seunghoon has been talking about lately, the one that’s probably going to debut this upcoming spring despite his short training period, Byun Baekhyun.

They’re the same age.

Baekhyun guffaws at Jongdae’s near slip up, and Jongdae glares at him, looking down pointedly to where the other male’s arm is leaning painfully against his sternum.

“Shit, sorry!” The boy jumps back, “I swear I didn’t see you there,” and he rakes his eyes down Jongdae’s body almost mockingly.

A flare of anger flashes through Jongdae for a brief second. before he straightens up with his own smirk, “Nah, it’s cool. Didn’t know girls could pack so much weight,” he smiles sweetly.

Baekhyun’s jaw drops open in shock and Jongdae’s own eyes open wider in glee.

Before Baekhyun can retort, Jongdae pats his shoulder. “You’re gonna be late, pretty thing.” He’s reasonably sure he knows where Baekhyun was heading to in a hurry.

Baekhyun’s eyes widen and he seems lost, so Jongdae continues, “Unless you wanna keep me pressed against the wall?” he flirtatiously adds, because who says he can’t have fun? It’s not his reputation on the line.

Baekhyun squawks, lips flapping as if he wants to say something before he huffs and gives up, and sprints away.

Jongdae laughs as the boy runs. He slips into Seunghoon’s training room fifteen minutes later just to see the boy break concentration.

Seunghoon rolls his eyes, but introduces them properly to each other and it’s the start of a friendship that has Jongdae equals parts happy and jealous.

_  
Jongdae throws himself into his training in a way that is new. Suddenly waking up in the morning has a brighter feel to it, and with it his mood and focus improve.

There is no one thing that really changes it, but he looks forward to entering the SM building now.

The receptionists would give him a friendly wave as he walks through the door, and sometimes he’ll catch a passing staff member that commends him on his hard work. Some days, when he has free time, he’ll go find Joonmyeon holed up in some practice room and go badger him to buy him something to eat, if only to make sure that Joonmyeon actually eats. He’ll duck and avoid Seunghoon when he’s in a good mood, and the older man would affectionately call him ‘brat’ and make it a game to get some of the younger trainees to catch him, citing pop song lessons as a reward. He’d find Baekhyun at some point in the day and they would hang out as if they were childhood friends.

Before he knows it, five months have passed. Jongdae desperately wants to meet Jung Yunho once more to thank him, because something has changed within Jongdae. The boulder of regret that had rested in his heart has crumbled, and with it Jongdae’s hopes have risen. Singing, music, dance, there is so much he gets to experience, so much more to explore. It feels like he’s just beginning his life.

He realizes all this when rumors start spreading like wildfire in the company.

A new boyband, X.O., will be created this spring.

When Jongdae first heard it, it kind of felt like a knife had stabbed him in the ribs. But instead of blood flowing out, it was air seeping in. Life moved on without him, and maybe it could have been Jongdae that was set to debut in a few months, but it wasn’t, and he is mostly okay with that.

He makes a name for himself. When he masters vocal technique within the first few months of his stay here. He is left to give classes to the freshest batch of trainees and monitor their success. Jongdae learns he has a knack for toning, and finds an ease where nervousness had been before.

He is feeling particularly generous one day, paycheck with a raise providing a bounce in his step. He runs to show it off to Baekhyun, and insists on treating him to bubble tea. Because, “it’s not like you’re going to be making any money any time soon,” he boasts, and Baekhyun glares, muttering on how he’ll buy Jongdae a car a few years into his fame and success, and who will be laughing then?

However, Oh Sehun, hears them and promptly invites himself along. And alongside him is the trainee that Jongdae saw all those months ago.

And that is when Jongdae properly meets Kim Jongin.

__

“No way!” Jongdae’s eyes bulge out of his sockets as he looks Kim Jongin up and down. The kid seems to shrink under the attention, hunching into himself with a hint of a blush on his cheeks.

“Seriously?” He turns to Baekhyun with wide eyes.

Baekhyun ignores him and instead looks at the picture on the phone Sehun is showing the older boys.

“Wow, I heard rumors you were friends with Taemin, but I thought that was all shit,” Baekhyun whistles.

Jongdae is still surprised, and for a second he wonders why he should be. He knows Joonmyeon is really close to SHINee as well, and if Baekhyun and his gossiping is to be believed, would have been the sixth member.

But seeing it in person is completely different. He looks up to Jongin and then down to the screen where Taemin has his face pressed close, giving a smirk to the camera with Jongin’s own shy smile peeking out.

“Huh, you sure you guys aren’t actually long lost twins?” Jongdae mutters.

Sehun gives a sharp bark of laughter, but Jongin rolls his eyes. “Don’t let Taeminnie hear you say that,” Jongin says, and Jongdae is surprised at the small boost of confidence in Jongin’s voice, “He’ll claim he’s the better looking twin.”

Jongdae chuckles, but before he can control himself he says, “Nah, I think you are.”

There is an awkward pause at the table as everyone digests what he says, Jongdae still wondering if he actually said that out loud when...

“Oh my god, you did not just say that!” Baekhyun cries out, doubling over in laughter. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that!”

Jongdae curls into himself in embarrassment while Sehun joins in at the crowing, and Jongdae shyly peeks up to look at how Jongin was taking it, and feeling his stomach swoop when he realizes Jongin is giving him a blinding smile, a dust of red on his cheeks.  
“Jongdae, are you turning into Jongin’s fan?” Baekhyun teases, nudging him. “Do you have a crush?”

“Baekhyun!” Jongdae cries out, mortified. Baekhyun continues to cackle, and Jongdae wonders if he’ll ever hear the end of this.

Jongin is the one to surprisingly break up Sehun and Baekhyun’s fun, leaning across the table towards Jongdae.

Jongdae nearly backs away when the other boy leans completely over the table as he reaches for the phone in Jongdae’s hand.

He holds his breath, butterflies in his stomach, at Jongin’s proximity. Jongin is probably needlessly close but Jongdae wants him closer.

Jongin looks up, placing the phone back into Jongdae’s hands. The way he stares at Jongdae makes him feel like he’s the only one in the world, and Jongdae can already feel the black threads of addiction needling their way into his soul, craving to have this space of just him and Jongin again.

“There’s a video of me and Taemin dancing if you want to watch,” Jongin offers shyly, still leaning over the table and staring earnestly into Jongdae’s eyes.

“I’ve already seen you dance. You’re amazing!” and Jongdae really can’t seem to keep his filter on today.

Jongin’s eyes snap to meet his, widening a bit as he asks surprised, “You’ve watched me dance?”

He retracts back to his original seat but his eyes still maintain contact as Jongdae desperately wishes he could melt into the seats.

Sehun rolls his eyes, “Who hasn’t? You practically live in the practice rooms.”

Baekhyun makes a snort of agreement, but Jongdae can’t brush it off as easily as the other two. Nonetheless, he puts his embarrassment aside and keeps eye contact as he replies, “Yeah, you’re really good.”

The embodiment of dance, like a beat come alive, he wants to spout but that might be pushing it.

Jongin leans back, embarrassed, but there is a smile on his face, eager for the praise. Jongdae sips from his straw and wonders if he should switch conversation or keep going, but Jongin beats him to it.

“Thank you, you’re, uh, really good at singing,” Jongin says, and Jongdae nearly chokes on his drink.

“Y-you’ve heard me sing?” Jongdae asks, now strangely embarrassed himself, not including parroting Jongin’s own words.

Now it’s Baekhyun’s turn to roll his eyes. “Please Jongdae, you’re no secret in the walls of the training area. Everyone’s so thankful you aren’t training to debut.”

Jongdae pauses at that, genuinely shocked. “What?”

Sehun lightly kicks Jongdae under the table, “Praise bleeds out humility,” he says, and Jongdae just glares at him.

“You totally made that up,” Jongdae scoffs.

“Did not!” Sehun protests and Baekhyun laughs as he joins in.

“Definitely did, don’t think you’re a wise one maknae, just stick to being cute.”

“I am not cute,” Sehun pouts. He turns to Jongin instead, sticking a finger into his cheeks. “Jongin is cuter.”

Jongdae can’t stop himself, body rising in alarm at his sudden stupidity as he says, “Definitely cuter.”

Oh god, did he just wink at Jongin?

Baekhyun and Sehun start laughing, probably more at the fact that Jongin’s reaching hand completely misses his bubble tea and ends up smacking it to the side while staring at Jongdae with wide eyes.

He offers an embarrassed laugh alongside the others while he desperately thinks of a change of topic – he can feel Baekhyun getting ready to fire off comments on his awkward flirting.

“So, um, any news on the debut yet?” Jongdae throws out desperately.

Jongdae isn’t prepared for the sudden stillness surrounding the table as Sehun and Baekhyun go quiet.

Jongdae looks to Baekhyun noticing how sullen the boy suddenly looks and Jongdae feels instantly bad, redirecting his gaze towards Jongin for help.

“I think they’re calling trainees now,” Jongin offers hesitantly when no one else speaks.

Jongdae wonders if he should continue this conversation or not since half of their table clearly doesn’t seem to be into it, but he’s curious.

“Anyone we know?” he asks, turning his full attention to Jongin.

“I think Joonmyeon hyung got it for sure,” Jongin replies, and Sehun snorts.

“Of course he’s going to be the first member, everyone knows it,” Jongdae wonders if it’s just him who hears the bitterness in Sehun’s voice.

Still, it sparks a brief bit of irritation in him because he’s grown close to Joonmyeon, and it kind of sounds like Sehun is dismissing Joonmyeon’s hard work as a matter of course.

“Hey, that’s not exactly fair,” Jongdae starts, “it’s not like it was expected he would debut, he’s put a lot of effort into this, nearly seven years.”

Baekhyun turns to him nervously, “I don’t think Sehun meant it like that, right, Sehunnie?”

Except Sehun is looking at Jongdae heavily, “And I haven’t?” he responds, ignoring Baekhyun.

“I’m not saying that,” Jongdae protests, upset now. It feels like that boulder is starting to move again, threatening to fall into a downward slope towards Jongdae’s heart again. “I know you’ve worked hard too, but it’s not the number of years you’ve spent at the company that is going to give you a ticket into debut.”

Beside him Baekhyun flinches, and seems to shrink in on himself.

“So I’m not going to debut then, am I?” Sehun states.

It isn’t accusatory or defensive, and the way that they were heated up it doesn’t sound like a trigger towards a fight.

Instead he sounds defeated and Jongdae pauses, unsure of what to say.

Before he can try and find placating words, Jongin is already moving, slinging an arm around Sehun’s shoulder.

“Don’t say that Sehunnie,” Jongin says, voice bright. “You’ve come so far as a dancer, when you debut you’ll definitely be the main.”

Sehun turns to Jongin, and Jongdae thinks this is the closest he’s ever seen the younger boy as vulnerable and guilty.

“It should have been you.”

Sehun says it as a whisper, probably not meant for them to hear, but as on edge as Jongdae is, he catches it perfectly and can’t suppress his wince. Baekhyun shifts beside him and there is a hand suddenly curled into his, warm and reassuring.

It should have been you.

The mood never really recovers, and Jongdae quickly pays when the waitress offers the bill.

Reviewing the day has led Jongdae to two conclusions: one, maybe he’s not as over his missed chance as he thought he was and two, he thinks he is developing a puppy crush on Jongin.

Both thoughts have him tossing and turning, but only one of them has him sitting up and wondering where he could go forward with this.

__

X.O’s lineup is announced eight months after he joins SM Entertainment.

Jongdae winces at the feeling of snot and hot tears on his shoulder. Joonmyeon is crying nearly hysterically. All Jongdae can do is rub his back up and down.

“I-I can’t believe it, finally,” Joonmyeon sobs.

Jongdae’s shoulders sag but he smiles wistfully. If anyone deserved this, it would be Joonmyeon.

He holds a bit tighter.

What he has in his arms is what his dreams could have been.

“You’ll do great,” he whispers.

Baekhyun invites him, after calming down from nearly an hour of switching between gleeful screams and hysterical crying, to sit in on their first recording. However, it is Seunghoon that gives him permission to come, giving him heavy pat on the back coupled with the words ‘good job’. Jongdae isn’t really sure what to feel about that, torn between wondering what the point of the praise was because it wasn’t like he was the one debuting, and the memories that jog through his head of late night practices with Baekhyun, Joonmyeon and lately even Yixing and Luhan.

He sits, watching ten members crowd into the small room, all nervous and giddy, but full of hope.

It dawns on him, suddenly, when Jongdae looks at the five vocalists inside the recording booth, where he can just barely see his reflection on the plex window. It’s missing – the crushing weight of regret.

He walks out of the room, absentmindedly listening to Baekhyun chatter into his ear on one side and Joonmyeon pressed close on the other.

He pauses in the midst of his musing when he catches sight of Jongin excitedly ruffling Sehun’s hair in a headlock.

He swallows at the sight of Jongin’s bright, earnest smile, and wonders how Jongin can do it, can look at his best friend like that, without wishing it was him.

“Yah, Jongin!” Joonmyeon calls out and it has Jongdae instantly laughing at the way Sehun and Jongin instantly stop what they’re doing and look like chastised kids.

Jongin looks over at the sound and Jongdae can feel the wind being knocked right out of him when that golden smile is redirected at him. “Jongdae hyung! You came, too?”

It’s pure, Jongdae can see, up close now. It reaches Jongin’s eyes, his happiness for his friends. For the second time that day, Jongdae is reminded of that lightness he feels.

“Wouldn’t miss this,” Jongdae says softly, but then adds on after Baekhyun looks at him questioningly, “Baekhyun needs my cute smile to get over his butterflies,” he smiles winningly in a way he knows quirks his cat-like lips charmingly.

Baekhyun instantly screeches in denial, and it has Joonmyeon now running over to them to stop Baekhyun from slapping Jongdae’s back.

In the midst of his laughter he sees Jongin looking at him, and he can feel his world realign in that moment.

Maybe he can get over this.

__

Jongdae remembers the distinct moment his previously lifeless routine had given way to a greater goal.

//“…and this will be the vocal team that will help you with your debut,” the executive says, waving a hand toward Jongdae and his fellow coaches.

Jongdae rolls his eyes to hide the uncomfortable feeling when Joonmyeon, now Suho, bows low followed by the rest of X.O.

In his time in the company, he has met almost all of the members one way or another. But seeing them together, acknowledging that they’re X.O. now, and not trainees, is still difficult. For a few moments, when they line up opposite to him and the vocal team beside him, it feels like they’re different. Jongdae looks at Joonmyeon and Baekhyun with their new haircuts, takes stock of the designer clothes that Sehun is in, and realizes with a sinking stomach that there is line between them now.

“Thank you for your hard work,” They say in unison. Jongdae shrinks a bit behind Seunghoon, realizing the weight of the task placed upon him. He has to make sure that X.O. succeeds, that their songs will make it to No. 1.

His mouth goes dry.//

That meeting had been nearly a month ago, and now it is just under three weeks until X.O.’s grand debut. It’s been complete chaos since then. Producers and lyricists throwing them last minute registers, making them go over the tone the way they want it. Jongdae’s heart had skipped a beat when Seunghoon and his team made Jongdae go into the booth, told him to sing the register so they could get a feel for the final sound.

The first time, he had sung only in front of the vocal team, stopping frequently as they made changes and tweaked the song. His strongest memory from those nerve-wracking weeks was when he first sang in front of X.O. He was in the recording booth, and all ten members were crowded into the small control room, staring at him through the window. He couldn't keep himself from glancing away from the notes in front of him to judge the reactions of his audience.

Baekhyun would shoot him thumbs up every time they made eye contact, and Joonmyeon's beaming smile had made him flush with happiness, knowing his own talent was being acknowledged. What made him duck his head in pleased embarrassment was the support of the other members, who he couldn’t quite call friends just yet. Minseok and Luhan were chattering excitedly to each other, darting looks at him with wide smiles. Yixing was smiling so brightly, his dimple so prominent that Jongdae wanted to stick his finger in it.

Kyungsoo had a small notebook in his hand, writing notes to himself with his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as Jongdae ran through another song, but even as serious as Kyungsoo looked, he could still see the excited gleam in his eyes. Sehun and Zitao stood beside Kyungsoo, their bodies occasionally jerking in what Jongdae realized was choreography, peeking up once in a while with wide eyes when Jongdae expelled a high note. He saw Yifan sitting at the sound board, an intense look of concentration on his face that Jongdae felt momentarily intimidated by, having it focused solely on him. Behind Yifan was Chanyeol, soothing the intense aura with the way he was grinning toothily at the window dividing them, his hands eagerly tapping out the beat on Yifan’s shoulders.

Jongdae had been giddy, nervous and excited all at once, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the feeling of giving birth to a new song, of letting it go and seeing what it would become.

At the end of it he recalls the feeling of honor and pride that his teachers had looked to him as a valuable part of the team, and not just a student.

He remembers asking Seunghoon why he had been chosen to be part of the team, the least experienced of them all. Debuts were not something to be taken lightly, as Jongdae had quickly found out. Everything down to the last cent, last note, last step was taken into account, and the task of living up to the expectation of perfection had made him dizzy.

“You’ll work with them in future,” Seunghoon had answered distractedly to Jongdae’s question. “Your register and vocal range best reflects theirs, and I can trust you’ll get the best out of them.”

The words had felt heavy, and at that moment Jongdae was sure he was going to break out into a cold sweat.

He had known what Seunghoon had been hinting at, that X.O would become an important part of his own career. It had been on the tip of his tongue to protest, to tell Seunghoon he didn’t have nearly enough experience to work with a debut group after only working with trainees, but he had stopped himself. Seunghoon was a good friend and hyung, but he was a better mentor and coach. He knew what he was doing, and Jongdae realized with growing clarity, that if Seunghoon was saying this, he genuinely meant it.

The thought had scared him shitless. It still does, if he's honest with himself. Being part of a team was one thing, but to be at the helm? He doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready for that.

“Jongdae!” Seunghoon suddenly snaps at him, forcing an exhausted Jongdae to jolt out of his musing. “I know you’re tired, kid, but we’ve got only two weeks till the showcase, so pull yourself together.”

“Sorry, hyung,” Jongdae instantly feels chastised, but he’s not upset enough to cover up his long yawn.

Seunghoon rolls his eyes. “You’re no good to me right now. Go take a break. I want you back here in an hour, though.”

Jongdae looks down at his watch and twitches.

“I think I’ll take a nap in the practice room,” Jongdae mutters, not that Seunghoon is paying attention, already back at the sound board.

Jongdae shrugs at his mentor’s back. Seunghoon has been working him hard, insanely even, so Jongdae considers this hour a lucky break. The last time they had a break had been almost 11 hours ago when they had stopped to eat.

He understands though. Seunghoon is grooming him into becoming a professional.

He ducks out of the room and into the hallway, bowing low to the few people scattered around. It’s less busy than it normally is, since most of the execs, promotional reps and other important people are currently busy with a meeting on the public opinion of X.O.’s teasers.

Jongdae weaves through the halls easily. SMEnt was practically like his second home now, with the amount of time he has spent here. Therefore, he knows exactly which rooms will be unoccupied and give him the quiet space to catch up on sleep.

Or so he thought.

He steps into the room mindlessly, not even noticing that the usually bright room is dark. He flicks on the light switch as he closes the door behind him.

“Nggn,” he suddenly hears, and Jongdae jumps.

Squinting his eyes against the sudden light, he looks around to try and find the source of the noise, heart stuttering a bit when he sees a moving black lump in the corner. It takes only a heart stopping moment before he realizes it’s a person, swathed in various hoodies and lying on the floor. For a brief second Jongdae panics, his sleep-deprived brain immediately thinking he'd stumbled into a crime scene, until reason kicks in and he realizes someone else had the same idea of a quick nap in a quiet room.

“Sorry!” Jongdae apologizes instantly, feeling a bit guilty and awkward. “I didn’t think anyone was in here.”

Not really caring for an answer, he fully intends to just turn off the lights and finding a different room when the black lump speaks.

“Jongdae hyung?”

The voice is familiar but it takes a full moment for Jongdae’s tired brain to process where he’d heard that voice before.

The gears in his head finally click together, “Jongin?”

The person, Jongin, leans up on one arm, hoodie falling down his chest to reveal a red HBA shirt. A shirt Jongdae saw on Jongin nearly two days ago.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t gone home!” Jongdae says incredulously. He nearly slaps a hand over his mouth immediately after, realizing that was a bit rude.

Just as he’s about to apologize again, Jongin chuckles tiredly.

“No, I haven’t,” Jongin admits, voice thick with sleep. Jongdae feels guilty right away at the response.

“Sorry, Jonginnie,” the nickname slips through easily to a filter-less Jongdae. Jongdae has never really been one for formalities, especially when he wants to get to know someone. “I’ll just leave so you can get some rest.”

He turns around once more, only to stop when he hears, “Wait.”

Jongdae twists around again to look at Jongin, who is making a valiant effort to at least sit up.

“You don’t have to leave,” Jongin slurs, “We can share the room.”

Jongdae’s stomach swoops low, like falling off the pinnacle of a rollercoaster ride. Jongin and he were getting closer, yes. But for Jongdae, Jongin still felt like that popular kid that you admire from afar. You’d be happy enough if they would talk to you, but you never expected them to actually want anything to do with you of their own volition.

“Are you sure?” Jongdae says hesitantly, and that’s not what he meant to say at all. He’d meant to laugh it off politely and find somewhere else to go, because Jongdae was not the prettiest of sleepers.

“Mmhm,” Jongin hums in assurance. He gestures with his head to a pile behind him that Jongdae didn’t notice before. He could make out a pillow and blankets, a sleeping bag and an open duffel bags stuffed with folded clothing, clearly untouched.

Jongdae’s eyebrows shoot up. “Have you actually been living here?”

He walks forward to examine the pile more closely while Jongin offers a sheepish smile. “My parents dropped it all off sometime last week. We’ve been busy,” Jongin yawns widely, and it reminds Jongdae of how tired he is. “No real time to go home, you know?”

Jongin is already drooping, head slowly lowering before he realizes he’s in the middle of a conversation, and he snaps his head back up. It’s adorable, Jongdae thinks. He looks like a sleepy puppy.

Jongdae swallows, gesturing to a pillow. Best to stay on track.

“Would you let hyung borrow your pillow?” Jongdae asks, smiling sweetly.

“Of course!” Jongin affirms, looking focused for a second as he stares at Jongdae. Then he breaks out into an adorable crescent-eyed smile, patting the space next to him. “We should get some rest, hyung. I have to go back to choreo practice in,” His face blanks for a second before he pats the area around him for his phone. His face falls, “an hour.”

He looks so much like a kicked puppy, Jongdae has to violently suppress the urge to smother him with hugs. His gut lurches at the thought, and Jongdae now has to fight the growing blush.

Jongdae can still recall the look of surprise on Jongin’s handsome face when he was offered a permanent job for SM, his first assignment to be part of the team to come up with X.O.’s choreography for not only their debut single, but for their upcoming showcase. It was beautiful the way Jongin’s eyes got wide and just a little watery, but his lips stretched in a beaming smile.

He hasn’t really seen Jongin much since, but it’s to be expected. The last time he saw him had been nearly two weeks before, and only briefly. X.O. had finished recording, and they had a run through with the dance team to see how well the choreography would work with the song. Jongdae admits he’s excited to see what they have come up with, since the title song is so unusual. They didn’t really get time to chat, and in an hour it seemed like almost everyone knew what was left to do, and they broke back into their respective teams to continue with finishing touches.

Jongdae smiles, grabbing the pillow before he stops in hesitation. He looks at the spot that Jongin had put his palm across, realizing the younger was sleeping on a blanket, and wondered if he should instead move to the other side of the room. But Jongin looks at him expectantly, and the blanket looks so inviting, so Jongdae settles for throwing the pillow about a meter away from Jongin.

They’re both still on the hard linoleum floor, but Jongdae would take any flat surface he could get now.

He walks back to turn off the lights, using his phone as a flashlight to get back to his spot.

He settles in, back instantly aching in relief once it’s parallel. He sets his alarm for an hour from now, and shuts off the screen of his phone.

There is only silence after Jongin and Jongdae are done rearranging themselves. Jongdae wonders if he should say something like ‘good night’ but it seems stupidly out of place. He’s reasonably sure that Jongin is asleep anyway, so Jongdae turns to his side, wincing as the bone of his hip presses uncomfortably against the hard floor, despite the small cushioning provided by the blanket.

“Hyung?” Jongin calls out, and Jongdae instantly stops fidgeting.

“Yes?” Jongdae replies softly.

There is silence, and Jongdae wonders if the younger man fell asleep when, “Do you think their debut will be good?”

Jongdae is dumbfounded for a second, not really on the right train track to process higher functioning thoughts. But he does realize what Jongin is getting at.

“Of course!” Jongdae says instantly, turning towards where he thinks Jongin is.

Another pause.

Jongdae wonders if he should continue to reassure Jongin, wanting to make sure that younger man understood his hard work wouldn’t be for nothing. The thought has passed through his own head a few times.

Instead he says, “It’s not just them debuting, you know?” He smiles softly, but he doesn’t think Jongin can see it. “It’s kinda like our debut too.”

There is a shuffle of movement, and Jongdae gets the distinct impression that Jongin is moving closer to him.

“I thought about that too,” Jongin says lightheartedly, and Jongdae can imagine the crinkling smile on his face. “That a part of my dance is going to be up on stage.”

Jongdae knows that feeling, remembering working with Baekhyun and Luhan in getting the high note perfect. It makes his body flush with excitement at the thought of watching the song come to life on stage.

“Are you nervous, Jonginnie?” Jongdae teases.

Jongin chuckles, a gruff exhale of laughter that makes Jongdae tingle. He smiles wider.

“Don’t be nervous,” Jongdae says softly, feeling like it was his duty as the older to help ease Jongin’s worries. “We’ve all worked so hard, and I know at the end of the day I’ve, we’ve, done the best we can,” he says earnestly.

He lets it sink in, going quiet as he waits for Jongin’s response.

Jongdae gasps, jolting when an unexpected hand lightly brushes against his shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re with me, hyung,” Jongin whispers withdrawing his hand. Jongdae’s heart is thundering in his chest, warmth spreading through his body.

“I’m happy you’re here too,” Jongdae says sincerely. He reaches out to lightly brush against Jongin’s shoulders, only to pat silky smooth strands instead. He laughs and goes with it, ruffling Jongin’s hair while Jongin wiggles away in protest, whining slightly.

“Get some rest, Jongin,” Jongdae says settling back into himself. “We’ve got to be at our best to make sure X.O. becomes the best, right?”

“Hyung is so cheesy,” Jongin teases, his voice breaking off into a yawn at the end. “Thanks, hyung.”

Jongdae only makes a hum of acknowledgment, letting the comforting silence lull him into slumber. It isn’t easy to get his body to relax despite his tiredness, but there is a warmth in knowing that Jongin is only an arm’s length away from him helps.

Jongdae doesn’t even know when he falls asleep, only that he wakes up to the annoying noise that is his alarm. He turns over to shut it off, sitting up tiredly and rubbing his eyes. He then remembers he is not alone and flashes his phone to the side to try and illuminate Jongin’s body.

Except he’s not there.

Jongdae doesn’t know why he feels so heavy with disappointment, but he does his best to shrug it off. He stands up to turn on the light, wobbling slightly. He returns to put away the items he borrowed, wanting to leave a note in thanks. But he doesn’t have a pen and he wishes he had taken down Jongin’s number before.

He swipes his thumb across the lock screen to open it to see if Seunghoon messaged him yet, sighing at the ‘1’ floating above his text box. He opens it, only for his eyes to widen at the “Jonginnie” in the name text box.

Hyung, sorry I took your phone but I wanted to have your number! I hope you don’t mind ╲(｡◕‿◕｡)╱✿Good luck during practice today! ~v~

Jongdae smiles like an idiot at his phone, quickly replying back with a slew of emoticons because it was his favourite way to respond.

He returns to practice with a spring in his step. Even when an exhausted X.O. tumble into the recording studio to practice the songs highlighted for the debut showcase, Jongdae can find it in himself to beam in excitement. His conversation rings in his ears as he sets up the back track for ‘What is Love’. He’s going to work his hardest to support his team so that X.O. can debut at their best.

When the day finally comes, Jongdae manages to find Jongin in the crowd of staff. He smiles widely at the younger, who does the same as they both turn to look at X.O. on stage, the members clearly all scared; excited but happy.

X.O. debuts while Jongdae watches from the sidelines. There is a brief moment of wistfulness, a tinge of envy, but then Jongin bumps shoulders with him, laughing while clapping his hands as the members flounder about on stage, Baekhyun stepping too early, Yixing nearly colliding with Minseok.

Maybe it’s not him, or them, on stage.

But.

Jongdae smiles as Joonmyeon starts out X.O.’s first set with Angel, letting out a note he had come to Jongdae for help with.

But.

Jongin brushes against him again, looking down with a gentle smile as the song washes over them.

Jongdae’s moment is broken, the ‘whatifs’ shoved to the back of his mind as he turns to look out at X.O.

He thinks he is happy with what he has made for himself.

_

“How can he be so, so, so contradictory?” Jongdae whines, throwing his hands up in the air and waving them around for emphasis.

Baekhyun barely glances up from his phone, but Luhan at least has the decency to look at Jongdae, although it’s with a confused face.

“Contradictory?” He says it slowly, face scrunched up in one part constipated concentration, and many parts adorable. Effing fairy, Jongdae grumbles to himself in his head.

“What Jongdae is trying to say is that he has an equal need to squish Jongin’s cheeks, and to lay down and tell Jongin to wreck him,” Baekhyun offers, still typing away furiously at his phone.

Jongdae manages to yell out an indignant ‘yah!’ the same moment Luhan’s eyes go alight with understanding, and he nods.

“I think Minseokie was telling me that the other day – you have a sinnamon bun crush, right?”

And because Jongdae knew Luhan was never this innocent, he instantly caught on to what Luhan was implying.

Jongdae turns to him incredulously, “Where the heck did you learn something so cheesy?”

“Minseok showed me a post on his fansite. Apparently his fans have started calling him that, since he looks pure, but you know, isn’t,” Luhan shrugs and slumps back against the couch, pulling his own phone out.

“Ohhh, I get it,” Baekhyun says eagerly, finally looking up at Jongdae, laughing. “That sounds about right, Jongdae unsure if he wants to eat Jongin or be eaten.”

Luhan snorts but Jongdae glares at Baekhyun, “You know what, just for that I’m going to get some cinnabuns, and I’m going to eat them here, right in front of you.”

Baekhyun is in the process of rolling his eyes at Jongdae, but manages to stop half way when Jongdae stands up. Jongdae wishes he could have snapped a photo as a reminder of how ugly Byun Baekhyun is.

“Wait, you’re actually going? What about practice?” Baekhyun calls and it’s Jongdae’s turn to snort.

“Like we were practicing anyway."

He walks out of the room and straight into a solid chest.

Jongdae ‘oofs’ as he is propelled backwards.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

Jongdae wonders what life is when he sees Jongin standing right there. Maybe fate does exist?

He and Jongin have gotten closer in the two months since X.O.’s debut. If they were just tentative friends of friends before, they’ve definitely built a solid friendship of their own, now.

It was just two nights ago that Jongin had sleepily laid his head on Jongdae’s shoulder in the midst of them preparing a practice schedule for X.O. Jongdae still remembers the hot rush through his body at the contact, and the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach at the level of trust between them now.

His crush was getting ridiculously out of hand.

“Jongdae hyung?” Jongin calls again.

“I-um, oh, yeah, I’m fine!” Jongdae rushes to reassure Jongin as the other boy hovers over him, hands outstretched as if wanting to pat Jongdae down for injuries. He shakes off the immediate thought of what he’d like those hands to be doing and the embarrassment propels him into bravery.

“I, uh, was just going out to get a treat. Do you, maybe, want to come? It would just be the two of us,” Jongdae says in a nervous ramble. Jongin blinks, and Jongdae can physically feel how red his face is undoubtedly getting.

Wait, did that sound too much like an invitation for a date?

“Nevermind! Forget I asked that, you must be busy,” Jongdae laughs awkwardly because there is really nothing else to do.

Jongin is still blinking cluelessly at him, and fuck if it isn’t the cutest thing Jongdae has ever seen.

He mutters a quick sorry before he tries to dart around Jongin, only for an arm to come hastily down on his shoulder.

“No!” Jongin says loudly, a bit too loud, and Jongdae watches as Jongin jumps at his own voice, looking around in embarrassment before looking at Jongdae with his own pink cheeks. “I mean, I never said no, you’re too fast, hyung,” Jongin whines out cutely the last part, and Jongdae thinks he is dying.

“So…would you like to come?” Jongdae kind of flops his arms up and down, instinctively wanting to open them and curl an arm around Jongin’s shoulders and lead him, but then realizing that wasn’t proper. So he was stuck doing an awkward dance that Jongin was nice enough to politely laugh at.

More than nice enough apparently.

Because he grabs Jongdae’s hand.

Jongdae can’t help the squeak that comes out of his mouth and he knows Jongin’s giggle this time is more genuine.

“Let’s go, hyung,” and Jongdae is fast realizing he’s becoming helpless to Jongin calling him ‘hyung’.

They leave the company, and Jongdae can’t help but notice the few fans that are waiting outside the main building. Jongin hasn’t said a word in the few minutes they’ve been walking, and Jongdae finds that his brain is failing him in coming up with a topic other than ‘how’s the weather?’.

So he nudges Jongin with his arm, drinking in the new knowledge of how hard Jongin’s abdomen actually is. Like rock solid. Jongdae has to bite his lip from saying something embarrassing when Jongin turns to look at him quizzically.

He takes in the direction of Jongdae’s eyes and he tenses.

“Do you ever wonder what it would take to get fans like that?” Jongdae asks.

Jongin looks at him in surprise. Clearly, that wasn’t what he was expecting, so Jongdae returns the look with his own confused one.

Jongin ducks his head, and Jongdae is learning quickly it is a nervous habit of his. An insanely cute one.

“I thought you were gonna comment on something like them having no lives or something,” Jongin admits.

Now it’s Jongdae’s turn to look surprised. They pass the gates and the gaggle of girls turn quickly to look at them, but immediately dismiss them.

One of them, still in her high school uniform although it is almost 11pm, loudly asks her friend if they should talk to them since, “they’re obviously trainees, maybe they’ve seen oppa!”

Jongin and Jongdae duck out of there fast, power walking with intent, and only when they’ve walked a fair distance away does Jongdae look up at Jongin and laugh.

Jongin returns it with a full blown smile, and Jongdae curls his arms around his stomach trying to press down the immediate fluttering of butterflies.

Jongin tugs on Jongdae’s long sleeve, holding on to it even when Jongdae’s arms unfold and leads them down the street.

“A lot of the trainees do that, you know?” Jongin says suddenly, and Jongdae immediately catches on to what Jongin is implying, continuing their conversation from before.

“I know, I hear them when I pass them in the halls. But I guess kids are kids, they’re just always... kind of mean?” Jongdae furrows his brows, knowing he is rambling again but feeling a spark that makes him want to continue the conversation.

Jongin has a small frown on his face, and Jongdae really doesn’t like it.

“I admire them – the fans. Like I know some of them take it too far,” Jongin slows down and Jongdae’s breath hitches when Jongin’s fingers loosely link with the few fingers that poke out of Jongdae’s sweater. He looks up to see if Jongin realizes what he’s doing, but the younger boy just walks forward, uncaring of their linked hands.

“But,” Jongin continues, and Jongdae forces himself to look straight ahead as he struggles to keep from sweating grossly while still listening to what Jongin is saying. “I admire their determination and passion – to go after the one thing that makes them happy, even if only for a little while.”

Something warms in Jongdae’s chest at Jongin’s innocent words, and it triggers that stupid bravery that has him stretching his fingers to encase Jongin’s hand in a proper hold. Jongin looks down at him in surprise, and Jongdae smiles widely at him.

“You’re a good kid, Jongin,” Jongdae says appraisingly, blown a bit by how much more he sees the unending depth the younger has to offer, the more often they hang out together.

Jongin blushes, and with the lamplight they are under right now, Jongdae can see it perfectly.

So he teases, “You’re turning redder than a tomato, Jonginnie, so cute.”

Jongin face scrunches in embarrassment, “You can’t see it – I’m too dark,” Jongin is quick to deny. “I know it’s not cute.”

The cutting words break the serene moment Jongdae had built up. Jongin says it so casually that Jongdae feels a dull ache in his chest.

“What? No, Jongin you’re beautiful!”

Jongin looks away, his hand suddenly loosening in his hold, and Jongdae feels helpless for a second.

So he decides not to overthink it, taking a step closer into Jongin’s personal space, tightening the hold he has on Jongin’s hand and using the other to cup Jongin’s face.

Jongin’s eyes are wide, lips parted. In this moment Jongdae isn’t thinking of where they are, or who might be watching. He just wants for Jongin to understand.

“Yah, Kim Jongin,” Jongdae says as sternly as he can, despite the intimate way he’s holding Jongin – his heart beating so hard he’s sure Jongin can hear it. But he continues, “You’re beautiful. Like, who gave you the right to have eyes like that? It’s not fair how big and cute they are. And your lips,” Jongdae suddenly breaks off, embarrassment simmering under his skin at how forward he’s being, but Jongdae isn’t the type to do things by halves.

“Your lips are something Angelina Jolie would kill for,” Jongdae says fervently, uncaring of how he probably butchered her name, but the way Jongin is unconsciously trembling urges him on. His own cheeks are flaming, and he doesn’t realize that he is thumbing Jongin’s cheekbones. His stomach swims in the awkward feeling of nervousness and earnestness.

“And your nose is straight and cute, and your cheekbones are so striking and,” Jongdae breaks off again, shaking slightly, eyes dropping from Jongin’s to the top of Jongin’s collarbone. “And you’re so tall.”

He looks up one more time with determination and a bit of anger at Jongin’s self-deprecating statement shines through, “And your skin just adds to that.”

“Hyung,” Jongin says quietly, his lips barely parting.

But Jongdae is so embarrassed right now, feeling like he is baring his wants too forwardly. His wild thoughts keep running in his head, making him realize this is probably where Jongin will break away and say that Jongdae was too weird, and that he doesn’t like that Jongdae thinks of him like this.

So he barrels on because through his wild thoughts, the shining will to at least do this right wiggles through.

“I’m not done,” Jongdae says quickly, dropping his eyes again. He lets his hand drop from Jongin’s completely lax grip now, his other hand leaving Jongin’s face just as fast. But he doesn’t take that step back, yet.

“You’re strong, too, and sometimes I look at you and wonder how you can shoulder all of this pressure so young,” Jongdae’s voice is quiet, but the way he is saying his words so sincerely clearly shines through. “You’re sweet and kind, and I like the way you laugh. It makes me happy I can call you my friend when I see groups of people around you, wanting to be near you, because you deserve it, you work harder than anyone I’ve seen.”

He doesn’t know if it’s the embarrassment or the sudden realization that someone like Jongin wouldn’t be interested in someone like Jongdae that has hot tears suddenly pressing in his eyes.

The cold wind blows over them, and Jongdae shivers, waking slowly from the bubble he created.

Jongdae looks up and can’t make out the look in Jongin’s eyes. It has his heart dropping like a cement block. His insides contract, and it makes him want to become smaller, to leave here right now.

“I, um,” Jongdae blurts out when Jongin still hasn’t said anything, “I didn’t mean to dump that all on you.

“But!” Jongdae says quickly when Jongin’s eyes meet his again. “I meant it all. Don’t sell yourself short Jonginnie, okay?”

He turns quickly, head spinning, unsure of what to do now, what he should be doing now after all that.

He chuckles softly, hoping Jongin doesn’t hear the watery edge, and says, “Let’s go get some food, my treat, remember?”

Desperation curls in him to forget this happened. The niggling feeling that he just ruined the easy friendship they had weighing on him depressingly.

He walks a few steps, but realizes Jongin isn’t following him. It burns in that hot way where you know that you have too many feelings simmering inside you. He wants to burst, but he doesn’t want to do it here, not in front of Jongin.

“Or, since I kinda ruined the night,” Jongdae laughs lightly, “um, you could head back? I’ll leave some food for you by your practice room.

Still nothing. He takes in a shaky breath and then moves forward, unsure of what to feel.

He cries out in surprise when arms are suddenly wrapped around him. He jumps and stills, not wanting his body to be the first to touch. But Jongin doesn’t even notice the way Jongdae is tense, pressing closer until Jongdae can feel every inch of Jongin against him, like he can feel his skin even through their clothes.

Jongin’s face is buried in the curve of Jongdae’s shoulder and neck, and it has his mouth opening and closing, brain fried at the hot puffs against his skin. He realizes Jongin is shuddering and it’s enough to have him turn around immediately, his own discomfort put aside at Jongin’s distress.

Jongin doesn’t let him do much other than turn around, burying his face again before Jongdae can even see it.

“Jongin, Jongin, what’s wrong?” Jongdae asks frantically. His hands hover in the air, unsure if he’s allowed to touch. “Jonginnie, are you crying? Did I say something wrong?” Jongdae asks helplessly.

There is a pause where Jongdae is sure Jongin isn’t going to say anything but then, “No.”

It’s quiet, and Jongdae can hear the quiver in Jongin’s voice. Before he can prompt Jongin to say any more, Jongin continues, “That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

He’s actually crying, Jongdae realizes, feeling the warm stickiness of tears against his shoulder. Jongdae doesn’t hesitate anymore and holds Jongin tightly, arms trying to imprint themselves against Jongin’s waist as he makes soothing sounds, when Jongin begins to sob slightly.

Jongdae tries to maneuver them to the bench nearby by, but Jongin doesn’t move an inch from where his feet are rooted.

“Jongin, let’s go sit down, okay?” Jongdae tries to persuade.

Jongin doesn’t say anything, but on his next attempt to move, Jongin follows, almost comically not detaching himself from Jongdae. It’s awkward to maneuver, but Jongdae gets them to sit on the bench with Jongin practically in his lap.

“Jongin, stop crying, shh,” Jongdae cards his fingers through Jongin’s hair, trying to get him to calm down.

Jongin slowly quiets down but his shoulders are still shaking. “Talk to me, Jonginnie, tell me how to make you feel better,” Jongdae asks pleadingly, hating the way that Jongin’s misery makes him feel. Like a weighted ton has just pressed over his body making him slow to react, unsure of how to reach out and get to where Jongin is.

Jongin shudders against him, mouth wetly drawing in breathes. “Just being you,” Jongin whispers.

“What?” Jongdae questions, arms stilling.

“Just be you, hyung, that’s what makes me happy,” The words are hitched and quiet, but they come out crystal clear to Jongdae, and it has him flushing even through his confusion.

He doesn’t say anything, but tightens around Jongin further.

“No one,“ Jongin continues, head slowly coming out of his hiding place, and Jongdae gasps worryingly at the red in Jongin’s eyes. It is barely visible, but must be prominent for Jongdae to be able to see it in their poor lighting. He hastily lifts his hand with his long sleeves to wipe the tears still trailing down Jongin’s cheeks.

He barely has his palm pressed against Jongin before Jongin grabs his hand tight, keeping it pressed in the same spot.

“No one has ever said anything like that before, to me,” Jongin continues, breathing a bit more evenly now, but his entire posture so drooping and sad that Jongdae wants to take on the world for ever reducing Jongin to this. “I used to fight with my parents, before, because they always yelled at me to quit, that the company isn’t going to debut me,” Jongin bites his lip. “And now that they haven’t, even though I have a great job doing what I love, they still slide in how much time I’ve wasted, how I could have been better, if, if I had just studied instead of f-fooling around,” Jongin’s eyes filled with tears again.

Jongdae has words ready on the tip of his tongue to hotly refuse what Jongin was saying, but he recognizes that Jongin wants to get this off his chest more, so he listens instead.

“I can hear the trainees, the managers, the employees, they look at me with pity every time I go to the dance room. Some of them come to me with ‘advice’ on what I should do with my life now, as if they know me.”

Jongin’s fingers tighten around Jongdae’s and it almost hurts, but Jongdae is too distracted to care. “I just love to dance. I love music, it’s all I want in my life. I don’t care about debuting, about money, about fame or fans. I just love the feeling of the music in my body.”

Jongin takes a deep breath but sighs instead of continuing, so Jongdae takes it as his cue.

“I know,” Jongdae whispers. He meets Jongin’s eyes and he hopes he can see what Jongdae means. “Or maybe I don’t.”

He takes his own shaky breath, “I love singing, I love music, but I get scared sometimes. When I see people change, when they start to leave and I stay the same,” He leans in close to Jongin his free hand curling loosely into Jongin’s shirt to keep himself grounded. “I get scared when I think that music isn’t enough for me to survive, but I don’t have any other dreams or ambitions.”

He looks up to Jongin’s eyes, “But when I see you, when you dance, when you are in the practice room for 12 hours and still won’t leave until you get it perfect, it makes my heart skip. Because I’m half in awe that you can throw yourself completely into it, and half jealous.”

Jongdae can feel the sad quirk to his smile, trying to cheer Jongin up by staying strong. But it is hard.

“You know, you’re the biggest reason I was able to let go of the dream I came into the company with, to debut,” Jongdae holds Jongin’s eyes, wanting him to understand. “The way you always smile, it makes it feel like it’s going to be okay.”

Jongdae trails off and there is a pause of silence between them.

“I feel the same too, hyung,” Jongin suddenly says, and it has Jongdae jumping slightly at the sound.

There is a hand curling in his, holding tightly, and it makes Jongdae’s breath catch. Because it doesn’t feel like he’s anchoring Jongin anymore, more like they’re anchoring each other.

“You’re so honest,” Jongin breathes, “You always say what’s on your mind, and you don’t hesitate to follow your feelings. I feel like I’m dancing to your rhythm sometimes.”

Jongdae’s eyes widen, “Jongin, what – I don’t -”

“You do,” Jongin says earnestly, his big eyes looking straight at Jongdae. “It’s easier when I’m with you, because I don’t feel alone.”

There’s a lump in Jongdae’s throat, itchy and heavy, but he chokes around it not wanting to cry. He can’t control the waver in his voice when he says, “Me, too.”

He looks up, and maybe he didn’t do such a good job of keeping his emotions in check, because there is a hot tear burning a trail down his cheek. Jongdae can’t even describe the emotion when Jongin detangles their hands to wipe away the tear with his finger.

“Sometimes, I feel like you’re sunlight, the way you break through my clouds, and make me feel warm,” Jongdae reaches up to hold the palm still on his cheek, the way his had been on Jongin’s moments before. He chokes out a laugh, suddenly realizing how cheesy that sounded.

Jongin joins in with his own wet laugh, letting his hand go and Jongdae taking that as his cue to release his own hand. They lean away from each other, just a bit, but enough for Jongdae to realize how close they had been before. Because he can feel the absence of Jongin’s breath mingling with his.

“That could have been an X.O. song,” Jongin teases playfully. “Sure you’re not interested in songwriting instead?”

“If you stay as my muse, it’d be easy,” Jongdae says honestly, too wrung out now to even be embarrassed.

There is another silence between them, but it doesn’t feel heavy. Instead, Jongdae can feel something shift as they both try to reorganize their thoughts.

Jongdae doesn’t really give Jongin a chance to respond, deciding he’s had enough of an emotional rollercoaster for one day.

He stands and tugs Jongin’s hoodie to make him get up, too. “Come on Jongin, let’s go get some junk food and rub it in Baekhyun’s face.”

Jongin looks down at Jongdae in an indescribable way for a moment, and Jongdae gets this distinct feeling he’s missing something, but then Jongin smiles, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie pulled over his hand before he nods.

Jongdae turns and starts walking, and Jongin quickly falls into step beside him. They don’t hold hands, though Jongdae has the urge to do it, but he settles for the way Jongin walks close beside him, arms occasionally brushing.

They eventually return back to the practice room, Baekhyun immediately whining and pouting about how he can’t believe Jongdae actually brought back a bag of greasy, delicious junk food, knowing he’s on a diet.

Jongdae just sticks out his tongue while Baekhyun reaches for his cellphone to dial Joonmyeon’s number to complain, tugging down a tired Jongin beside him. Just like before, Jongin sinks down and rests his head against Jongdae’s shoulder sleepily.

Luhan and Baekhyun exchange a look, but Jongdae glares at them, throwing them both a cookie and daring them to say anything. They wisely keep quiet, and Jongdae is left to bask in Jongin’s comfortable weight while Luhan and Baekhyun go through a rehearsal of their promo song “Lucky.”

_

They’re both practically vibrating on the spot. Jongdae tries to take a deep breath, to calm down, to stop feeling so jittery but it’s so hard.

Jongin bumps into him and Jongdae jumps up, quickly looking up to offer Jongin a nervous smile.

“I think I’m going to throw up.”

That was dear Zitao, and Jongdae had to admire the clear divide between those who were nervous enough to look like they were going to pass out, and those who were desperately concentrating to not.

Jongdae turns around, realizing that Joonmyeon hasn’t come forward to calm the younger down. He sees the leader facing a wall, palms braced against it as his shoulders heaved. If Jongdae had it in him, he would have rolled his eyes at the typical emotional leader of X.O.

But as it is, Jongdae can only sympathize. After all this was a big deal.

The Golden Disk Awards: Newcomer Award.

The coveted title that only few groups could ever hope to claim. This time around it would be X.O. No wonder Joonmyeon is ready to break down, it is a done deal that X.O. will get the award and that Joonmyeon will have to deliver the speech.

“We’re live again in 5! Take your spots!” the stage hand barks, and Jongdae’s heart nearly burst from his chest. Jongin jolts against him violently and Jongdae doesn’t think twice about grabbing Jongin’s arm to try and ground him. To try and ground himself.

X.O. is not faring any better. Kyungsoo actually has to resort to violent pushing to get Chanyeol to move away from where he is hovering near Yifan, and fall into line up.

Jongdae takes a deep breath, catching each member’s eye as they pass him and Jongin.

“Good luck!” Jongdae calls, knowing without needing to turn around that Jongin was beaming that endearing smile in his own form of encouragement. Only Yixing had half the heart to return it in this state, but at least Jongdae feels better for trying to calm them down.

Once X.O. disappears from the doors, Jongin immediately pulls Jongdae to follow him. They weave their way from backstage, back to the halls, the deafening noise of the fans clear even through the walls.

They emerge into the actual auditorium hall with a wince at the bright lights and thundering noise. There are cameras and people everywhere, and Jongdae’s breath momentarily stutters to a halt. He’s seen music shows and stages once in a while when he tagged along with X.O. but this is completely different.

Jongin taps him on the shoulder, the touch startling a hyper aware Jongdae into immediately turning to Jongin. The younger man smiles at him, mouthing something, but closing it when he sees Jongdae can’t hear him. Jongin’s hand slips down from the clutch on his arm to link hands with Jongdae’s own.

Jongdae is thankful it is too dark for anyone to pick up on the flush of his cheeks.

Jongin tugs them closer to the guardrails, on the extreme left side of the stage. Staff litter the area but it isn’t too hard to get to the front. Just in time to catch the last of the MC’s remarks.

“… they have taken the KPOP world by storm. They are sure to usher in a new generation in music, and this is only the first of their doubtless many future success. Please put your hands together for your 2012 Newcomers….” The MC is drowned out by the sudden surge of screaming, and Jongdae feels his spirit soar at the response. Without even realizing it, he squeezes Jongin’s hand, still linked together.

“X.O.!” The MC yells with a flourish and Jongin starts whooping and yelling beside him as their friends walk on stage. Jongdae starts laughing, too overwhelmed by pride and emotion. It hasn’t even been a year since X.O. has debuted, but Jongdae doesn’t doubt for a second they deserve it.

Joonmyeon accepts the award with two hands and a folder bow, the rest of X.O. split between waving wildly to their fans and bowing.

Joonmyeon opens his mouth to start his speech, but of course the first sound that comes out is a sob.

Jongdae cringes in secondhand embarrassment, turning without thinking into Jongin’s side. Jongin laughs beside him, joining the crowd in cooing as Joonmyeon valiantly tries to finish his speech. He curls his arms around Jongdae’s shoulder like it’s the easiest thing in the world.

Joonmyeon manages to get through his speech, while Jongdae muffles his teary laughter into Jongin’s shirt. Joonmyeon ends it with his signature, “X.O. – let’s love!” The crowd eagerly screaming it back in response. Jongin isn’t an exception, hooting it out. Jongdae giggles, wrapping his arms around the younger boy.

X.O. exits the stage, and Jongin is fast to grab Jongdae and pull him through the crowd in a hurry. They’re both running, back the way they came, high on the waves of victory.

“We did it!” Jongdae pants out, still running. He beams at Jongin’s back. They did it, they had a hand in creating X.O. - into molding them, helping them reach their potential, and it was paying off.

He’s unprepared for when Jongin suddenly stops running, and instead uses the momentum to turn around and sweep Jongdae into a hug, right off his feet.

Jongdae screeches first in surprise and then in elation as Jongin spins them around. His smile is so blinding, it makes Jongdae’s heart want to burst right through his rib cage.

“They did it!” Jongin says, putting him back down gently. “We did it,” he adds on, softly, parroting Jongdae’s words in an earnest tone.

Jongdae doesn’t hesitate to step back into Jongin’s space and give him a tight hug. “We did it,” Jongdae repeats, throat suddenly clogging thick with feelings.

Jongin’s arms settle around him warmly, and Jongdae aches at how perfect this moment is. He tilts his head up from where it was buried against Jongin’s shoulder, heart leaping at how close their faces are.

He’s high enough on adrenaline that it would take nothing to lean those extra few centimetres and close the distance between them. But the only thing that stops him is the soft smile Jongin is giving him, out of place with Jongdae’s ramped thoughts.

So he steps back.

“Come on, let’s go see if anyone took a video of Joonmyeon hyung sobbing,” Jongdae says teasingly.

Jongin blinks, looking a bit lost at the fact that Jongdae wasn’t in his arms anymore. Or maybe that was just Jongdae’s wishful thinking.

Stuffing those thoughts back into a tight box and shoving it to the back of his mind, he eagerly takes Jongin’s hand again and leads them back to their waiting room.

Days later, Jongdae hangs up the picture of him, Jongin and X.O. holding the award in his room. He looks at it, fingers tracing lightly over the gold of the trophy. He can’t name the feeling that rushes through him, heavy and light at the same time. His thumb slips from the gold of the trophy to the boy next to it. Jongin is beaming at the camera, arm wound tight around Sehun’s neck. Jongdae brings his hand up to clutch at his chest, smiling a bit to himself when the messy feeling in the pit of his stomach is soothed by looking at Jongin.

“I’ve still got a long way to go,” Jongdae says in a whisper to the empty room. His hand falls limply back to his side. He steps back to get a good look at the picture, taking in the faces of all the members, of the people he is responsible for, whether for only a few more days or for the rest of X.O.’s career.

But for the first time in a long time, he finally feels ready for the task.

_

It’s only with a little bit of guilt does Jongdae wave to the members that are still conscious enough to call out 'goodbye' as he closes the door behind him. Beside him, Jongin hefts his dufflebag up higher on his shoulder with a sigh.

Jongdae tiredly leads them to the garage where his scooter is, a necessity he bought a few months ago when X.O.’s schedule picked up and he realized the subway wasn’t going to cut it. Absentmindedly, he wonders if he would have gotten his license if he had debuted. But that thought quickly strays from his head when Jongin winds his arms around Jongdae’s waist, tiredly curling around him.

“Hey, hey, don’t go to sleep yet, I don’t want a Jongin pancake to bring home to your mom,” Jongdae jokes, but the weariness of his body eats it down. Jongin nods, Jongdae can’t see it, but he can feel it from the way Jongin’s forehead is resting on his back, between the curve of his neck and slope of his shoulder, nodding up and down minutely, hair tickling Jongdae’s skin.

He’s gotten more or less used to it. Nine months into X.O.’s promotions, Jongdae and Jongin were glued together, although not the way Jongdae hopes for.

“Jonginnie, hey, want to get anything to eat? I know you skipped dinner.”

There is only a grunt of a reply, and Jongdae sighs. He contemplates stopping by a convenience store, probably the only thing open at 3 am, but decides against it. Jongin would probably just try and sleep on the sidewalk.

“Hyung,” Jongin finally says, voice thick and husky with sleepiness. Jongdae tries not to shiver. “Can I stay at your place? I’m too tired.”

It shocks Jongdae, and with his heart in his throat, he pauses.

“Um, are you sure, won’t your parents say anything?” Jongdae hesitantly asks. He doesn’t want to say no, truthfully, but his mind flashes to his dirty clothes lying on the living floor, a pile of unwashed dishes in the sink, and the month old bed sheets he keeps meaning to change.

It was a surprise present from his parents, for his 21st birthday. A small, and by that he meant very small, flat in an apartment near SMEnt. It meant everything to Jongdae, and only cemented the realization he was growing up and becoming an adult. It wasn’t the glamourous Seoul life he had expected when he came to SMEnt nearly two years ago, but it was his. His life, his dream, his reality.

“Hyung,” Jongin slurs, and Jongdae startles again, realizing Jongin had mumbled out an ‘it’s okay, they won’t care.’

“O-okay, if you don’t mind,” Jongdae starts up the scooter, the motor drowning out Jongin’s reply.

It’s a quick ride, and within twenty minutes Jongdae is half carrying, half dragging an overgrown teenager with him up the elevator. He opens his door with difficulty, completely conscious of the warm weight of Jongin against him. The way Jongin sleepily keeps drooping his head to nestle against Jongdae’s neck, his lips brushing occasionally against skin.

He gets inside and quickly takes off his shoes, leaving Jongin to stay there while he quickly runs in to make sure nothing untoward was left on his couch.

Jongin trails after him at a slower pace.

“Owww,” Jongin groans suddenly, and Jongdae is instantly alert, looking up from where he had thrown a workout tank top from the couch to the hamper outside the bathroom.

He sees Jongin doubling over, two hands at his waist, dufflebag uncomfortably hanging from his neck without the support of his shoulder.

“Jongin!” Jongdae rushes over, “are you okay?”

Closer, he can see the sweat beading Jongin’s forehead, the way his face scrunches up. He quickly takes off the dufflebag and ushers Jongin to the couch. “Stay here, let me get some tea for you.”

“No, hyung, it’s fine,” Jongin says, suddenly looking up at Jongdae again

“It’s not fine,” Jongdae snaps, a bit harsher than he intended with the way Jongin flinches. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re in pain?” Jongdae asks softly, sitting beside Jongin on the couch, unsure of what to do.

“I thought I could take care of it,” Jongin mumbles softly, looking chagrined, “I guess I overworked myself today.”

It’s more than that, Jongdae knows, remembering suddenly with clarity that Jongin has a back injury.

He looks up at the younger boy, eyes pooled with worry, “Is there anything I can do? Do you want to go to the hospital?”

Jongin laughs shakily, “Hyung, if I had to go to the hospital every time I’m in pain, I’d be living there.”

It strikes Jongdae then, how much Jongin must have gone through, how much he’s going to keep having to go through just to dance. Jongin must sense how stricken Jongdae is because, he is fast to grab Jongdae’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly, ironic considering their positions.

“Hyung don’t worry, I have muscle relaxing cream in my bag, it’ll help with the soreness. I’ll put it on before I go to sleep.”

Jongdae tenses, “I’ll do it,” he says suddenly, and Jongin looks at him in surprise. “I’ll put it on for you. Here take off your shirt.”

Jongdae pays no mind to Jongin’s spluttering, instantly leaping off the couch and rummaging through Jongin’s bag until he finds a medium sized yellow tube with ‘Relax’ written in crude English.

He turns around to see Jongin not doing what he has said, and Jongdae doesn’t spare a thought for embarrassment.

“Let’s go to my room, think you can walk?”  
Jongin looks up at Jongdae wide eyed, not moving. Jongdae doesn’t bother waiting for Jongin though, getting his arms under Jongin’s, to wrap around his waist and hoist Jongin up.

He staggers, Jongin is taller and heavier than him, but Jongdae is made of sturdier stuff. He shuffles them both into his bedroom, ignoring Jongin’s embarrassed protests.

In no time, he is rearranging Jongin so that he’s lying on the bed on his stomach, shirt pulled up to his armpits.

“Hyung!” Jongin squeals embarrassed, and if Jongdae wasn’t so worried by now, and driven mad by the stress of weeks of promotions, he might have been more inclined to take the logical route of less physical contact. As it was, he just wanted to do everything in his power to stop Jongin from hurting.

He hesitates for a moment, unsure of how best to do this before throwing caution to the wind and getting up on the bed with Jongin, legs parting to straddle him, one leg on each side of Jongin’s thighs.

He’s careful not put any of his bodyweight on Jongin, but his legs are already trembling at the strain, so he is quick to squeeze out some foul smelling liquid onto his hands, and goes straight for Jongin’s back.

“Hyung, cold!” Jongin squeaks, and Jongdae is broken from his determination enough to laugh at the cute way Jongin whines.

“Sorry,” he says, but quickly regains his focus. He’s never given a massage to another person before and certainly doesn’t plan on trying any fancy moves on an injured person.

So he starts at the highest point, right at Jongin’s shoulder blades, hesitantly rubbing up and down.

Underneath him, Jongin’s breath hitches, and his protests cease. Jongdae’s stomach swoops low and uncontrolled at the first touch of his palm against Jongin’s firm muscles.

It’s a compromising position, Jongdae is all too aware, red rising to his cheeks, but he is doesn’t let himself linger on those thoughts.

He doesn’t know if it’s his legs or Jongin that is trembling, but Jongdae can feel himself shaking. His entire concentration lies on Jongin, slowly moving from shoulder blades, to waist, to lower back.

It makes him dizzy, when he reaches low enough, when his scope of vision widens to include all of Jongin’s back. It’s golden skin under his palm, soft and smooth, with only sparse amounts of hair. There are a few moles littering Jongin’s spine and it makes Jongdae twitch, hands clenching against Jongin’s back to stop himself from wondering what it would be like to take that flesh in between his teeth.

The inappropriateness has him instantly guilt ridden, and Jongdae practically jumps off of Jongin.

“There, all better!” Jongdae hesitantly laughs, hoping his nervousness isn’t apparent.

Jongin doesn’t move.

“Jongin?” Jongdae calls, going closer. Jongin has his face pressed against the pillows and it takes a moment for Jongdae’s brain to compute that Jongin is asleep.

Unable to help it, he lets out a nervous chuckle, shaking his head at himself.

“Get a grip, Jongdae,” he mutters under his breath.

He groans to himself when he realizes that Jongin is still in his sweats. He wonders if he should attempt to take off Jongin’s pants, chanting to himself that Jongin is a man too, nothing he hasn’t seen before.

But he doesn’t want to invade Jongin’s privacy. Well, he thinks as he looks at the expanse of skin before him, not any more than he already has.

So he sighs, pulling down Jongin’s shirt gently, and carefully bringing his comforter up and over Jongin. It was near the end of summer with the cool air reintroducing itself, so Jongin probably wouldn’t overheat.

He pads out of the room quietly, after getting a set of pajamas for himself. He washes up quickly, looking down at his hands embarrassingly and tries to shake off the thought of what he had been doing.

Crush or not, Jongin was an important friend. He’d done what had to be done, no point in overthinking it.

He settles on the couch more exhausted than he’s been before, thankful that he had the next two days off while X.O. travelled to China for more promotions.

It’s with glee that Jongdae puts his phone down on the floor beside the couch, without setting his alarm clock.

__  
“Hyung why didn’t you wake me up?” Jongin looks adorable, completely frazzled with a panicked, guilty look in his eyes, bed hair all over the place. He stands by the couch near the kitchen unsure of what to do, one foot forward as if to come help Jongdae with breakfast and the other shuffling back in a characteristic shy gesture of his.

“Morning to you too, Jonginnie!” Jongdae hums, feeling content in a way that he hasn’t in a while. He flips the pajeon in the pan once, putting it back down and turning around to grab Jongin’s arm.

“Wha?” Jongin barely has a chance to splutter out before Jongdae is practically shoving him towards his quaint, two-seater table, a fresh plate of the korean pancakes in front of him.

Jongdae laughs a bit, turning around and missing the wide-eyed, adoring look Jongin gives him.

“You needed your rest,” Jongdae answers the question from earlier. “And I just woke up in a good mood this morning, so I wanted to surprise my favourite dongsaeng with some food!” Jongdae beams, looking back from his station at the stove to smile at Jongin.

Jongin ducks his head down, hands tightly gripping his sweats. Jongdae doesn’t really have a chance to gather the thought to worry at the hesitancy because Jongin looks up quickly enough and grabs onto his chopsticks to dig into his food.

“Wow!” Jongdae relishes in the genuine look of surprise that crosses Jongin’s face. He’s a pretty decent cook if he does say so himself. “It’s so good, hyung!”

“There’s more if you want,” Jongdae calls, whistling a jaunty tune that went well with the feeling of this morning.

He doesn’t know what’s come over him, but there is a giddiness in his stomach, at the thought of Jongin having slept in his room, of eating his food in the morning. It felt homely and nice, in a way things haven’t since he left home. He doesn’t want the feeling to go away.

“So what should we do?” Jongdae asks, flipping the pajeon out of the pan and onto a plate. There is already a sizeable dent in the pile Jongdae had set out before, and it makes his gut curl with pride. He barely even notices the presumptuous ‘we’.

Jongin stills immediately, and Jongdae can feel his stomach sink in the same moment. His smile freezes as Jongin’s guilty one surfaces.

“I, um, actually already promised that I’d help out a few trainees with their upcoming dance test,” Jongin says sorrowfully, and Jongdae can practically feel the weight of Jongin’s words.

It bites, sharp and painfully, inside him that Jongin maybe doesn’t want to spend time with Jongdae outside of practice. It’s a nasty thought, he knows it’s unfair, but it comes unbidden and consumes him, resulting in him shrinking in his chair.

“Oh, um, right,” Jongdae tries to say cheerfully, “You definitely need to keep your promises as a sunbae,” Jongdae jokingly scolds, desperate to get this heavy feeling off his chest. “Do you want me to drop you off?”

“Hyung, I - “ Jongin starts to say, but then suddenly his eyes widen and Jongdae can see the physical manifestation of an idea dawn on Jongin. “Why don’t you come with me?”

“Huh?” Jongdae replies, heart starting to pump faster at the barely there implication. “To dance?”

Jongin nods enthusiastically, hair flopping around wildly in a way that shouldn’t be so endearing.

“Yes! Come with me, and I can teach you some choreography! I bet Jongdae hyung would be a great dancer!”

Jongin looks so earnest that Jongdae feels himself blush, but he’s quick to shake his head. “I am a horrible dancer, really! I’ll probably bring shame upon the floors for trying to dance on them, seriously!”

Jongin laughs, head thrown back and eyes crinkled in that way that stabs Jongdae right in the heart. “Don’t worry, hyung! I’ll teach you real good!”

‘Fucking kokoro’ Jongdae whispers under his breath, already feeling his resolve weaken and heart jump out of his chest at Jongin’s words.

“I - um, if you want to?” Jongdae acquiesces hesitantly, and Jongin is instantly on him, jumping out of his seat to give Jongdae a rather uncomfortable head hug.

“It’ll be fun I promise!” Jongin swears.

_

It isn’t fun.

There is something to be said about that blow to your self esteem when you realize 13 year olds in the throes of puberty have better hand-eye coordination than you.

Jongdae collapses against the mirror, uncaring of the snickers of ‘Jongdae sunsaengnim has two left feet’. The glass feels blissfully cool against his sweat-drenched back, and Jongdae has a newfound appreciation for his friends in X.O.

And Jongin.

Fuck, Jongdae thinks, swallowing as he takes in the image of a panting, flushed Jongin bending against the glass, blue shirt drenched so it looked nearly black. It has Jongdae’s stomach swooping painfully, and he has to press his legs together to not pop an unfortunate surprise.

The door clicks shut and they’re alone.

“How do you do this every day?” Jongdae whines, trying to get his mind to stop thinking about that bead of sweat that was slipping tantalizingly down Jongin’s jaw.

Jongin laughs, turning to face him. Jongdae struggles to get his two feet under him, while Jongin comes closer, making his legs weak for an entirely different reason.

“You get used to it,” Jongin says modestly, as if his body wasn’t crafted from years of hard work.

Jongdae scoffs, “I think I’d rather stick to watching you in the future, thanks.”

Jongin immediately blushes, Jongdae can tell right away, and it has his heart singing. He smiles at Jongin’s humility, walking over to pat him on the back.

“Shall we call it a day?” Jongdae asks. It’s on the tip of his tongue to offer Jongin some drinks and food back at his place but he stops at the surge of want to keep Jongin in his home.

He shakes his head, hands automatically curling under his shirt and pulling the hem up to wipe sweat from his eyes. He rubs furiously, as if to physically disperse those thoughts

He completely misses the way Jongin’s lips part in awe, eyes darkening.

Jongdae drops his shirt, a coaxing smile on his lips, only to freeze at the way Jongin’s looking at him.

Jongin only shakes his head in answer to Jongdae.

Jongdae’s stomach drops when Jongin runs over to the stereo, switching out the mp3 plugged in with another one he pulls out of his pocket. Instead of an electric pop track that comes out of the speakers,it is a soft, heady beat of an R&B track.

It has Jongdae’s mouth running dry.

“Jongin?” Jongdae says unsure.

“I said I wanted to teach you, hyung.” Jongin says, and Jongdae knows he is missing something, or misreading something because it takes all his will and determination to put down the stampede of butterflies exploding in his stomach at the slightest hint of hope. Because Jongin is looking at him differently. Invitingly. Hungrily.

Jongdae is completely unprepared when Jongin walks, no glides, right over to him. He doesn’t stop at a respectful distance, body pressing so close, Jongdae can feel the heat wafting from his skin. He breathes sharply in panic.

Suddenly Jongin is moving, his body going taut before loosening easily as his body rolls forward in a wave. Jongdae can do nothing but squeak when Jongin’s chest just barely presses against his own. He is too dumbfounded to even take a step back.

“Dance with me, hyung,” Jongin coaxes, and Jongdae’s mind screams at him to abort before he does something stupid.

But his body and mind are completely disconnected right now, body filling itself on the heady beat of the music.

He doesn’t even realize he’s tried to copy what Jongin just did until his chest is practically rubbing against Jongin’s, a seductive parody of Jongin’s graceful dance move.

He knows he doesn’t imagine hearing Jongin’s hitched breath. It’s like a punch to the gut, how intense, how needy he suddenly feels.

Jongin is moving before Jongdae can do something more, arms coming up to bracket Jongdae’s, firm and sure and unlike any touch Jongin has ever had with Jongdae before. There is nothing of that cute, shy, dongsaeng in this Jongin. It’s like a completely different person, the way his lips part, eyes gleam.

Jongdae feels like he is drowning.

Jongin moves behind him, feet gliding across the floor, but his hands are what keep Jongdae’s attention, sensually moving up and down Jongdae’s bare skin, grabbing his wrists in one moment and making Jongdae’s heart leap into his throat and then teasingly brushing only the pads of his fingers against Jongdae’s biceps the next as he curls behind him.

Jongdae really doesn’t feel like he can be held responsible when his body instinctively arches back, his hips thrusting backwards until his bottom is flush with Jongin’s front. He rolls at the contact, wanting to feel Jongin even more, inhibitions being burnt away alarmingly fast.

He just wants.

He isn’t prepared for Jongin’s choked groan, and definitely isn’t ready for Jongin suddenly grabbing him painfully around the waist, turning him around almost violently.

Jongdae gasps, weak at the intoxicating desire flowing through him.

He is pressed against the glass of the mirror, and Jongdae struggles to process what is going on. He is panting, eyes staring straight into the dip of Jongin’s throat, unable to tear his eyes away to really get a grip on himself.

“Hyung,” Jongin says. It nearly winds Jongdae, how deep, how low, Jongin’s voice has gotten.

Jongdae doesn’t know where to look, where to even breathe.

He chances looking up and feels his body explode in sparks, just by the sight in front of him.

Jongin is panting, pressed up against his front and looking down at him in ways Jongdae doesn’t even know how to begin to process because it’s just beyond him.

“I-um,” Jongin croaks, voice cracking and he licks his lips. Jongdae follows the movement and his own mouth goes dry. He lets out an airy exhale, eyes locked on Jongin’s lips.

The air around them is static, and Jongdae can’t hear anything other than his own thunderous heartbeat. It feels like they are in a nest, a cocoon, of their own moment and it zings through Jongdae. He can feel the soft threads of Jongin’s shirt, the warmth of the arm bracketed around his head.

He presses himself further into the wall, half to try and focus, but the real reason, the carnal desire welling in his stomach is to see if Jongin will follow, if he wants this as much as Jongdae does.

He does, he follows Jongdae until his spine is uncomfortably pressed against the wall. But Jongdae’s discomfort is forgotten the moment he realizes that Jongin is only coming closer.

“Jongin,” Jongdae breathes out, filled with want. He wonders what he should do, he’s older, so he should know, but at the same time every fiber of his being is waiting for Jongin to do something.

“Hyung,” Jongin whines softly, and there is a minuscule movement as he moves even closer. They’re flush chest to chest, and Jongdae wills down the troubled moan at the back of his throat, too wanton for this intimate moment. He can only spare a thought that he hopes he doesn’t get hard here, it would be so embarrassing, for Jongin to see how needy he is.

“Can I kiss you?”

Jongdae thinks fuck this in answer to the worries he had about his body and he surges up, arms going around Jongin’s shoulders and he leans up on his toes and presses his lips hard against Jongin’s.

It’s better than he ever could have thought, the softness, the way they immediately part and press back. Jongdae feels dizzy in relief that Jongin wants this as much as he does, that sweet Jongin who’s too good for this place, has found something desirable in Jongdae, in the thought of them.

Jongdae captures Jongin’s bottom lip between his and gives a small suck, relishing the way Jongin moans. He’s being pushed back harder against the wall, Jongin’s hands hot on his hips and he asks for more.

Jongdae doesn’t know how long they stay like that, living off each other’s lips, breaking apart for breath and to look at each other with heavy eyes before they dip back for more.

When they do release each other, Jongin drops his head to rest on Jongdae’s shoulder and Jongdae snakes his arms up Jongin’s back to tangle in his hair.

“Can I stay like this with you?” Jongdae asks first. He’s still drunk off of Jongin and doesn’t know how he can live without this now.

Jongin pulls back slightly, still within Jongdae’s arms, and gives him a smile that Jongdae knows was meant to swipe a nation off their feet.

“As long as I can stay with you,” Jongin whispers back and Jongdae can’t help but laugh, wiggling closer to Jongin for a hug.

“Then let hyung treat you to dinner,” Jongdae says after a moment of basking in Jongin’s warmth.

He can’t help but laugh when Jongin perks up and looks at him hopefully, “Chicken?”

Jongdae slips his hand into Jongin’s awaiting one and tugs him out of the room. “Anything you want.”

It’s almost scary how much he means it.

__

After that, after they become boyfriends, Jongdae takes pleasure in just breathing in Jongin every day.

He notices the smallest things with a new appreciation more than he ever did before.

Like currently, how he realizes Jongin’s penchant for wearing oversized sweaters is an endearing one.

Jongdae slides up behind Jongin one day late at night, practice running on longer than usual now that X.O. was in the full swing of pre-comeback organization.

He stands towards the end of the room, watching Jongin stretch and cool down. He has a trained eye at watch now, looking for any signs of fatigue or stress in Jongin’s posture, to see if he is limping or favoring his back at any point.

But when Jongin bends down to touch his toes without even a bit of hesitation, Jongdae can let his shoulders slump in ease.

He focuses the attention of examining Jongin’s body into other things.

Like the ridiculously charming way the sleeves of Jongin’s sweater pool over his hands.

So Jongdae sneaks up behind Jongin, a feat considering half the room is mirrors, taking advantage of the music still playing and Jongin’s own eyes closed as he focuses on deep breathing.

Before Jongin knows what hits him, Jongdae is covering his back, arms around his neck and lips pressed to his cheek.

Jongin squawks with surprise, a sound that makes Jongdae break into peals of laughter, letting go and walking away as Jongin whips around with an accusatory stare.

“Hyung! You scared the shit out of me!” Jongin whines loudly.

Jongdae is still laughing, the wide-eyed look and sound of surprise blazed into his brain. The cute protests Jongin is throwing out now just adds fuel to the fire.

Jongin realizes Jongdae isn’t going to stop any time soon, and decides a little payback is in order.

Rushing forward he tackles Jongdae from the front, taking pleasure when Jongdae’s laughter is cut off with a grunt at the force. Instead of tackling hard enough to push him to the floor, Jongin uses the momentum to catch Jongdae around his tiny waist and hoist him up.

Jongdae starts squealing in surprise, “Yah! Yah, Kim Jongin put me down right now!” Jongdae cries out, but Jongin is the one laughing now, bouncing up and down a little just to jostle Jongdae who is frantically kicking his legs out, trying to find purchase on the floor.

“Not until you say sorry!” Jongin cajoles, and Jongdae looks down at him hard for a moment before there is a grin on his face.

Before Jongin can do anything, Jongdae is kissing him. Jongdae snakes his previously flailing arms around Jongin’s neck, and feels the moment the plush lips give way to let Jongdae’s tongue enter. He can taste Jongin’s moan, and only stops kissing when Jongin abruptly lets go, and Jongdae is set back to his feet a little haphazardously.

Jongdae still has his arms locked around Jongin’s neck, but the younger boy’s own hands drop down to his waist.

“You should have kept me up, I like kissing you when I’m higher,” Jongdae pants against Jongin’s lips.

Jongdae has to suppress a groan of want when Jongin replies, “I can say I know the feeling,” Jongin’s thumb peeks out from his sleeve, digging under Jongdae’s own shirt to press hot and heavy against the dip of Jongdae’s hip bone. “I like how tiny you are, hyung.”

“Yah!” Jongdae cries, pride slightly smarting as he pulls away. Jongin is giving him a cross between a smirk and a smile, and Jongdae is overwhelmed by how much he loves the sight, enough for any irritation to be washed away completely.

Instead, he lets his hands trail down Jongin’s arms, pressing hard enough to let Jongin feel Jongdae’s fingertips and stops when he meets Jongin’s hands.

He unlatches them from his hips, instead tangling his fingers with Jongin’s, letting the taller boy drag their clasped hands into his sweater.

Jongin leans down to press his forehead against Jongdae’s, and Jongdae breathes in Jongin, lips close but not touching.

“Come on, let me walk you home,” Jongdae says after a beat.

Jongin nods, but doesn’t detangle his right hand from Jongdae’s left.

They walk home down the streets of Seoul with Jongdae’s hand tightly grasped in the comfort of Jongin’s long sleeves.

_

Sitting with their heads together, Jongin and Jongdae do their best to keep quiet, so that they don't disturb their friends.

“But I’m really hungry, hyung!” Jongin whisper-whines, and Jongdae feels his heart do that stupid squeeze thing whenever Jongin does something cute. Which has been happening very often, lately.

But…

“It’s kind of mean, though?” Jongdae says hesitantly, nervously peering over to the X.O members loitering around the practice room. It is nearly 2 am, but practice this late isn’t unusual for them, especially since they got to sleep most of the day today.

Jongin stares, and Jongdae can see the flashes of irritation physically appear on his handsome face, the way Jongin’s normally full lips were pressing tightly into a frown. And Jongdae is bending, fighting between his sense of propriety and his stomach.

Then Jongin pouts – leaning closer to Jongdae until his face is tilted up and Jongdae is exposed to the full brunt of Jongin’s big brown puppy eyes.

He snaps.

“Oi!” Jongdae calls out to the room, most of them snapping to attention, but a few of them lazily continuing on what they were doing.

“I’m going out on a food run, anyone want anything?”

He doesn’t know if it makes it better or worse. He knows, even though he wasn’t explicitly told, that X.O is supposed to be on a diet. But he feels like he’d be a bigger asshole if he didn’t at least ask.

“Yes!” Chanyeol immediately calls, hands going up and Baekhyun slaps him on the shoulder before calling him a fat ass.

Sehun is the next to whine in agreement , but Joonmyeon quickly stands up and says, “We’re on a diet! No food that our manager doesn’t give us!”

Jongdae is used to it, the sudden dip in tension when the subtle movement of each member ceases and there is a stillness. It is unnerving, but Jongdae has learned it is just best to roll forward.

He gives Jongin the stink-eye though, to which his younger boyfriend smiles guiltily.

“Oh yeah, I forgot,” Jongdae says to the silent room, and 11 pairs of eyes are on him. “Jongin told me he has his this new game ready for you guys to memorize your choreography easier.”

Jongdae relishes in the panicked look Jongin is sending him, his easy laze replaced with alarm.

“Catch him doing a mistake in the choreography, and you get a dumpling.”

He winks at Joonmyeon who was smiling in that placid but eerie way that spelled trouble. “Oh? Well then we are here for practice, we might as well make it fun, right, team?”

Jongdae leaves the room cackling to himself as he hears Jongin’s long and tired groan.

Later, he would pillow Jongin’s head in his lap as he apologetically fed his young lover a few noodles at a time, while the rest of the members munch on their snacks. Jongin and Jongdae would share a secret smile, Jongdae leaning down to peck Jongin’s awaiting lips to say ‘good job’. Eventually X.O. would catch on that Jongin is making the mistakes on purpose, but as long as everyone was benefiting, Jongdae would say it was a job well done.

__

X.O.’s promotion of Growl ends up spinning Jongdae over his head. Jongin is busier than pre-comeback with how well the song has been received. Figuring out how to make the choreography work on different stages is suddenly taking all of his time, and Jongdae would be lying if he said having Jongin away from him wasn’t like missing a limb.

Jongdae is struggling, himself, with vocal practice with X.O. Baekhyun is having trouble nailing the high note at the end, something he didn’t have issues with before. Jongdae is stumped, and the numerous run downs only serve to have he and Baekhyun at each other’s throats.

“I’m just tired!” Baekhyun snaps when Jongdae finally cuts off the music when Baekhyun delivers a flat note again. “I promise I’ll get it tomorrow, so just let me sleep, yeah?”

Jongdae shakes his head, frown pulling down the corners of his lips. “You know Seunghoon wouldn’t let this slide.”

Baekhyun is glaring at him and Jongdae can’t say he understands where this hostility is coming from, “You just don’t understand, Jongdae-yah, can’t you see how tired I am? I can go through this a hundred more times and I still won’t get it!”

Jongdae has to suppress a flinch when Baekhyun angrily throws his water battle against the couch that they are working on in the studio.

But still, “Then we’ll go through this a thousand times, Byun Bacon.”

He says it lightheartedly, a smile thrown in at the end to try and dissolve the tension, but he is wholly unprepared for Baekhyun turning around to face him, his body tense and looking like he’s about to punch Jongdae, before he just crumples.

“Oh my god,” Jongdae says in a rush as Baekhyun just falls to the floor, body giving out until he is kneeling on the floor, head hanging. “Baekhyun? Fuck, Baekhyun say something!”

“I can’t do this,” Baekhyun says, and Jongdae feels something clench in his chest at how close he sounds to sobbing. “Jongdae, I can’t do this anymore, I feel like I’m falling apart.”

Jongdae doesn’t know what else to do, but to instinctively wrap his arms around Baekhyun, drawing him close until he’s almost on his lap.

“Shh, Baekhyun, stop crying,” Jongdae soothes, hoping his own panic isn’t noticeable when Baekhyun starts to heave against him, warm tears soaking into the collar of Jongdae’s shirt.

“I-I can’t,” Baekhyun sobs, and Jongdae isn’t sure if he means he can’t stop crying or if they are talking about the pressure.

Jongdae pushes Baekhyun back slightly, one arm still around him as he tries to wipe the tears streaming down his friend’s face. His white long-sleeved shirt (technically Jongin’s shirt, because now that they live together, Jongdae can’t be bothered to hang their clothes separately, and oh god why is he thinking of this when his best friend is breaking down in front of him?) comes back smeared with black, and Jongdae feels something break when he realizes he didn’t notice Baekhyun still has his full day, maybe even day old, makeup on.

“Stop crying, or I’m gonna start calling you baby bacon from now on,” Jongdae tries to tease, still gently patting Baekhyun’s eyes.

His best friend looks so sorrowful, Jongdae abandons his task and just hugs Baekhyun tight.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jongdae asks after a few minutes when all Baekhyun does is hiccup into his shoulder.

Baekhyun shakes his head, but then there is a pause before he starts speaking.

“I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Baekhyun whispers hot against Jongdae’s collar bone. “I go on stage and I blink and I’m saying things I’m not even putting any thought or consciousness into,” Baekhyun pauses and Jongdae has to rub a hand up and down Baekhyun’s back in fear that he may start crying again. “I feel like a doll. I can’t eat the way I want, I can’t say what I want, I can’t even touch who I want.”

Baekhyun’s voice breaks at the end, and Jongdae feels a tight knot in the middle of his throat, hot and heavy. He wishes he could help even a bit, but Jongdae just doesn’t know what he can do right now.

But Baekhyun continues without Jongdae’s input, and Jongdae wonders if maybe the best thing he can offer right now is just to listen, “I look out into the crowd sometimes and I wonder if they’re here for me, if they’d leave me if they knew how I really was.”

This is the point where Jongdae feels like he can’t listen any more. Pushing Baekhyun back again he puts on the sternest face he can muster, unsure of how well he can pull it off considering he is so worried right now.

“Yah, what do you mean by that, Byun?” Jongdae says, “As far as I know, my stupid Byun best friend and X.O.’s Baekhyun are one in the same,” Jongdae pauses for a second, “And I still love him the same.”

Baekhyun flinches back a bit, mouth parted with an ugly stream of saliva connecting his lips.

“But I’m not,” Baekhyun begins, and Jongdae interrupts him.

“Do you think I don’t keep tabs on you? I see the way you tease Kyungsoo on stage, push around Chanyeol during rehearsal,” Jongdae smiles at Baekhyun and can see the glimpse of the rectangular smile in return. “You think your fans and I missed it when you dumped that entire bottle of water over Zitao’s head during your fan showcase?”

Baekhyun giggles a bit, and Jongdae takes the moment to pat Baekhyun’s face again, silently apologizing to Jongin, and vowing to get him a new shirt. Baekhyun leans into the touch desperately so Jongdae says softer, “I think the only one who is trying to separate X.O.’s Baekhyun and Byun Baekhyun is you. You have fans who love you for who you are, so cherish that. You’ve come so far on your own hard work, to make a name for yourself, don’t let yourself be the thing that stops you.”

Baekhyun shudders against him before he nods, “I wish you were there with me,” and Jongdae stills, looking at Baekhyun in surprise. It’s been just under two years since X.O has debuted, nearly three since Jongdae has joined the company. Jongdae isn’t sure where all this is coming from now.

“I may not be up on stage with you,” Jongdae whispers quietly to Baekhyun, “but I’m always here, whenever you need me.”

Baekhyun smiles shakily, and Jongdae smiles back. He waits for the wash of regret, the words that might have slipped out of his mouth, ‘me too’ to rise, but they don’t. Instead Jongdae has a flash memory of Jongin, of tucking themselves into a corner after a long day of music, Jongin’s head pillowed on Jongdae’s lap as they play a game on their phones, basking in the background music’s easy thump.

He can’t think of anything in the world right now that he would want badly enough to give that up. To give Jongin up.

They stay like that for a few moments longer before Jongdae forces Baekhyun to drink an entire bottle of water. He puts Baekhyun into the sweater he had come in with but discarded when he got too hot, and fondly puts the mask back over Baekhyun’s face as his friend whines for more attention.

They walk quietly down the halls of SM after Jongdae calls Baekhyun’s manager to come pick him up, the other promising he’d be there in fifteen minutes. Baekhyun has a death grip on his hand, but Jongdae endures it with small squeezes of comfort in return.

“Hyung?” Jongdae and Baekhyun both turn, Jongdae unable to stop the smile that overtakes his face when he sees a sleepy Jongin trying to catch up to them, an equally exhausted Yixing and Luhan behind him.

“Jongin, you guys were practicing?” Jongdae asks warmly, untangling his hands from Baekhyun when Jongin reaches them to wind them around Jongin’s neck. Jongdae leans up the moment Jongin leans down, a move they’ve perfected in over a year, and their mouths meets in a quick but fulfilling kiss.

Luhan whistles behind them and Jongin breaks off with an embarrassed smile. Jongdae just laughs it off, stepping back to take Baekhyun’s hand back into his.

When he looks to Baekhyun, he sees something there, something that makes the laughter die down. He can’t tell if Baekhyun looks sad or happy, or a mix of both, wistful seems to be the right word. The moment is gone and Baekhyun tugs Jongdae close, pulling his mask down to stick his tongue out at Jongin.

“Jongdae’s mine,” Baekhyun taunts and Jongdae can’t say he doesn’t enjoy the way Jongin’s eyes widen at their skinship before they narrow in irritation, “He’s giving out special service to comfort me,”

Jongdae splutters right as Jongin starts demanding how, but they’re saved as X.O.’s manager comes in right at that moment.

“Let’s go boys,” he hollers and Yixing and Luhan are the first to follow, after tiredly bidding them a good night.

Baekhyun stays for a beat longer, untangling his fingers, but drawing Jongdae close for a moment, lips suddenly pressed to Jongdae’s cheek.

“Hyung!” Jongin yells before Jongdae can process it, but Baekhyun is already trailing off with a laugh.

“Good luck getting those stains out of your sweater, Jonginnie,” Baekhyun calls out suggestively, and Jongdae has to thump his chest as he forgets to take a breath and starts choking on his own saliva.

Jongin whirls around to Jongdae looking him up and down frantically, and even then Jongdae finds the humor as he starts giggling, letting himself be encompassed by Jongin’s warmth as his younger boyfriend demands to be told what happened.

Pressing a kiss to the underside of Jongin’s jaw to shut him up, he tugs Jongin’s hand and leads him towards the door.

“Let’s go home, and put your stains on the sweater,” Jongdae husks suggestively, smiling smugly at the blush that Jongin gives.

Jongdae thinks the best part of having Jongin is that at the end of the day, it’s him who he can come home to.

__

“Jeez, you’re so messy,” Jongdae pulls out the napkin from under his plate, leaning over to wipe at Jongin’s mouth.

Jongin only pouts, turning his head to the side helpfully as Jongdae wipes the sauce that has been sitting on the corner of Jongin’s lips for too long.

Before he can withdraw his hand, Jongin gets a teasing gleam in his eye, capturing Jongdae’s hand and turning his head so his soft lips rest on Jongdae’s palm.

Jongdae only giggles, a small burst of happiness at Jongin’s playfulness settling in him.

“For the love of – !” Baekhyun shouts, hands thrown in the air. “First, I have to sit through them eating jjajangmyeon, and now I have to watch them being all lovey dovey? Where is the law?” Baekhyun turns to Joonmyeon imploringly.

Joonmyeon only shrugs, too absorbed with looking himself over in the mirror. “Ask your dad,” Joonmyeon says absentmindedly, and Chanyeol cackles uncontrollably behind him.

Jongdae grins turning around to call out for Yifan, unsuspectingly fiddling with his phone on the couch in the corner of the waiting room. “Dad!” Yifan looks up instinctively, and the beagle line laugh together, Jongin’s lips twisting into a smile against Jongdae’s palm. “Baekhyun is turning into a green jealous monster, do something!”

Yifan only rolls his eyes, clearly not in the mood to play along, but it doesn’t matter, Baekhyun is crying out in rage, desperately trying to lean over Chanyeol to throttle Jongdae.

Jongdae relishes in the laughter, in their tired, but bright smiles.

“Ten minutes,” the stage hand calls, and immediately Joonmyeon is up, gathering up Yixing and Luhan from where they were conversing in Mandarin on the couch. Joonmyeon calls out to Sehun at the same time, who nudges Zitao from his nap, Minseok looking up at the commotion to put away his phone and get ready. Kyungsoo is right behind Joonmyeon, tugging uselessly at the sloppy sweater they gave him to wear on stage. Yifan comes up on Joonmyeon’s other side, impatiently calling to Zitao again.

Baekhyun and Chanyeol are the last to get up, Baekhyun not leaving their personal space until he manages to ruffle Jongdae’s hair. Jongdae pouts, tugging his hand from where Jongin had dropped it to lace together, tempted to ruffle Baekhyun’s hair back, but knowing that it would be unacceptable to ruin Baekhyun’s X.O. image. He settles for sticking out his tongue instead.

Jongin wraps an arm around him the same moment that Joonmyeon calls out their signature chant, the 10 members all huddling, putting their hands together for a cheer. “X.O. fight – o! Let’s love!”

In less than fifteen minutes the room is quiet, the cordi and makeup attendants leaving to follow up on X.O.’s practice run. It leaves Jongin and Jongdae alone in a room that was previously bustling with life.

Jongin is the first to get up, going over to turn on the large TV screen. The monitor lights up instantly and Jongdae watches as the previous idol group leaves the stage bowing.

Sometimes Jongdae and Jongin would follow X.O backstage, but on concerts like these, where there were more idol groups, managers, stagehands, and security than you could count, it was easier just to support them from the waiting room.

They say nothing, Jongdae content just to lean in close to Jongin.

The music starts up, an intro composition that Jongdae had a hand in composing a few months earlier. He smiles inwardly when Jongin tenses up next to him, leaning forward, as Sehun and Yixing step forward to start the group off with their moves to the beat.

He’s seen this routine a hundred times in practice, so it’s easy for him to turn away and look at Jongin instead.

He’s sure he is never going to get over how beautiful Jongin is, the way his entire face just lights up when he sees dancing. The way his plump lips fight between being pressed into a line of concentration or open wide in delight when X.O. manages to nail a move that they’ve had trouble with.

And then the first note drops, Kyungsoo belting out a three note ‘yeah’ that Jongdae had spent practicing with him in between promotions.

“Do you,” Jongdae pauses, hesitating over disrupting the peaceful quiet of the room, but deciding to go on when Jongin turns to look at him inquisitively, “Do you wish we could have been up there, too?”

For his part, Jongin doesn’t look too surprised by the statement, mouth quirking into a small smile.

It hurts, a resonating pang where his heart is that Jongdae is desperate to rub away.

He chuckles weakly, hand squeezing Jongin’s. “Sorry, sometimes I see you looking at them and I just wish - ” Jongdae breaks off, unable to put into words his earnest wish that Jongin could dance freely.

Jongin smiles at him, gently. Over time, Jongdae has grown to understand most of what Jongin doesn’t say, and this time is no different. Jongin pulls him close, arm going up around his shoulder, and hand comfortingly winding through his hair.

“That car accident,” Jongin begins, his voice dropping down low. It would have been impossible to hear over the sounds of the TV but for Jongdae, it sounded like Jongin was speaking right into his ear. “It took a lot of things from me. Not just my body, but my dreams, too.”

They’ve never really talked about it before, at least not like this. Jongdae is content with what they have, but mostly he just doesn’t want to see any regret on Jongin’s face. So he avoids the topic for the most part. But for some reason, right now, he wants to hear Jongin’s true thoughts.

Jongdae knows what had happened in the accident. Jongin and his family coming back from their relative’s house, Jongin in the front passenger seat, a rainy day and an intoxicated driver.

Jongin had talked about it with thankfulness -- that it had been him and not his sister, who had fought for the seat before they left. That no one had died, that he had only been in the hospital for three weeks. Jongdae had only been able to crawl into Jongin’s lap and hug him, keeping his words of the unfairness of it all at bay because that wasn’t what Jongin wanted to hear.

Jongdae can feel that awful pang in his heart grow bigger coupled with that awful squeezing when he is confronted by someone hurt and unable to do anything about it. He nuzzles in closer to Jongin, trying to comfort him by being a solid weight.

“But I think that’s one of the best parts of life,” Jongin peers down at Jongdae, who’s throat clenches against the emotion welling inside. “That we can always make new dreams.”

Jongdae clutches Jongin like a lifeline, threatened to be swallowed by the mass of sensations swirling inside him.

In the background, Jongdae faintly registers X.O. switching from ‘Growl’ to ‘Lucky’. It plays loudly in the background, vocals barely audible from the screams of the fans, but Jongdae can’t hear any of it. His heart thunders in his ears as he stares straight into Jongin’s soft brown eyes, memorizing his irises.

He let’s go of Jongin’s waist, hand coming up to palm Jongin’s cheek, just as how they were not long ago, but this time with a lot more meaning.

“I - ” Jongdae licks his dry lips.

There is so much he wants to say, but half of it seems displaced with where this conversation was heading.

“When they rejected me, I lost something I didn’t even know I had created – hope,” Jongdae lets his fingers trace the contours of Jongin’s face, softly with the tips of his fingers. He doesn’t want to put too much on Jongin, doesn’t want him to be burdened by Jongdae’s regrets.

So he stops, withdrawing his hand, a small chuckle welling from his stomach to brush this off.

Except, Jongin grabs his hand.

“Talk to me, hyung,” Jongin pleads, something Jongdae hasn’t heard before. “Please stop bottling this inside. Trust me.”

“I do!” Jongdae is quick to say. “I do trust you.”

“But?” Jongin addresses the air Jongdae has left hanging.

Jongdae looks down, “But I don’t want to bring you down with ‘what ifs’. Not when you’ve already defeated yours on your own.”

He hears the rustle of Jongin’s movements before he feels Jongin’s fingers under his chin, lifting it up until Jongdae has to look up and into Jongin’s eyes.

“You make it seem like I don’t have doubts and fears anymore,” Jongin murmurs softly, and Jongdae shifts his eyes away. Though Jongin is younger, Jongdae firmly believes that Jongin’s core is perfect.

“Hyung, hey,” Jongin calls softly, “That’s part of life too,” he says gently, and Jongdae feels hot under his skin. A small part of him is irked, that Jongin is giving him life lessons, the other parts of him wanting to deny what Jongin says so he can stay in the little hole he created for himself.

“My new hopes and dreams, don’t you think I’ve been afraid of how I might fail? How I might fail you?”

Jongdae looks back so fast, the muscles in his neck flash hotly.

“What?” He croaks out.

Jongin looks straight at Jongdae, intense, “You’re part of my new dream, Jongdae hyung.”

It breaks something inside Jongdae, and suddenly he has too much to say, “You’re mine, too!” Jongdae cries out. “After I realized I wouldn’t be debuting, that I wasn’t smart enough to go into college, that all I wanted to do was sing, but that I had to do it for someone else, that it wouldn’t be my voice, it hurt.”

Jongdae shudders, fighting to keep his tears at bay. Jongin leans forward, forehead gently nudging Jongdae’s and he rests there. He’s so close, Jongdae has to close his eyes, unnerved by the way Jongin has it in him to make himself Jongdae’s whole world, effortlessly.

“But seeing you, meeting you,” Jongdae whispers, nudging that much closer so his lips are speaking over Jongin’s. “Without realizing it, you helped me realize that,” He swallows when Jongin shudders against him, his breath mingling with Jongdae’s. “That – I don’t need to work toward a dream, that I can live life happily just in the moment.”

He opens his eyes to meet Jongin’s again. “You make that happen, Jonginnie. You make me happy.”

He closes his eyes again when Jongin surges to connect their lips, swallowing Jongdae’s passionately. More so than Jongin’s devouring lips, Jongdae relishes in the way Jongin tightens his hold around him, clutching him close.

__

“Sehun, you little brat, get over here!” Joonmyeon calls frantically, rushing over and past Jongdae to reach the front of the line, hauling two suitcases behind him.

Jongdae leans back against Jongin’s chest, smirking slightly as his younger boyfriend snakes an arm around his waist, watching as Yifan somehow manages to trip over Chanyeol’s sprawled legs, tumbling down to the floor as Chanyeol jerks up, awake at the jostle.

Jongin snickers sleepily into the his nape and Jongdae can’t help but tilt his head towards the left a bit, sighing happily when Jongin takes the hint and lazily presses kisses against his neck.

“Yah, 2Jong, stop doing that couple-y thing,” Baekhyun whines, laying a few seats down, his suitcase still beside him although Joonmyeon and the managers demanded they check their luggage in twenty minutes ago.

In retaliation, Jongdae twists his head around to face Jongin before giving a cheeky smirk. Jongin rolls his eyes a bit but goes along with Jongdae’s silent demand and captures his lips in a kiss. Jongdae opens his mouth and makes a show of Jongin’s tongue slipping inside.

“Jongdae, Jongin, stop sucking face! There are fans watching!” Joonmyeon calls out frantically, and Jongdae breaks off with a smile.

It could be true, but Jongdae doubts it, secluded in the VIP area that they are. But even then, Jongdae relishes, it wouldn’t matter.

“But I’m sucking face with my number one fan, right honey?” Jongdae replies, smiling up at Jongin.

Sehun and Zitao make gagging noises, and Joonmyeon just huffs, only moving on after Minseok tells him to let them be. “Besides, your main vocal still isn’t ready yet.”

“Byun Baekhyun!” Joonmyeon screeches and Jongdae feels only the slightest ounce of sympathy when the leader of X.O. descends upon his friend.

Jongin chuckles at the sight and Jongdae is glad Jongin isn’t as nervous as he was when they left their house early this morning.

It would be the first time they would leave this country.

“They’re probably just going to treat the tour as their honeymoon anyway,” Luhan quips looking to Minseok imploringly. Jongdae kind of feels bad when Minseok just shrugs and slumps further into his seat, fiddling with his phone.

“You want some tips?” Jongdae calls out to Luhan who just sticks his tongue out at him before turning back to Minseok and whining for attention.

Jongin’s hand slides down his chest, and Jongdae sucks in a deep breath in surprise, stomach sinking. He breathes again, though, when Jongin’s hand tangles with his own. Leaning back he smiles again, seeing but not registering anything but Jongin’s weight against his own.

He’s nervous, elated, and excited all at once. There are a thousand and one scenarios of all the things he could do, of what he and Jongin could do together.

Jongin lazily shuffles around, going into his pocket and taking out his phone and earbuds. Jongdae doesn’t even flinch when Jongin puts one in his ear, sighing happily in contentment for this moment.

He starts to smile, wide and deep in a way he knows makes his cat like lips quirk attractively, when the first note of the song comes on. Jongin tightens his arm around him, and Jongdae rests his own hand on top of his arm in response.

‘Promise’ rings through the phone, the secret, unedited version that had X.O. featuring Jongdae and Jongin. Jongdae starts to hum along, catching Baekhyun’s eye who grins and starts singing too, Luhan excitedly jumping in. Chanyeol whoops and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes but soon everyone is joining in some way, whether just mumbling along like Yifan and Minseok, or singing loudly and off tune like Zitao and Sehun. Even Joonmyeon joins in, as well, after he stops staring panickedly at the door, Yixing coaxing him into the bridge.

Jongdae grins to the room and his hand wiggles closer to Jongin. He links his pinky together with Jongin’s and stares straight into his eyes when his most favourite lyrics comes up.

‘If we can stay together endlessly, I will devote myself to you.’

__

End.

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who got to the end, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!


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